There isn’t a day that has gone by where I don’t feel as if I have failed in some way. My therapist says that it is my cycle, everything in my Bipolar disorder comes back to me feeling like a failure, incompetent and stupid. I have always felt judged – as if everyone in my life disapproved of me in some way. At some point, I suppose, it is rather too much of a coincidence that everyone feels the same way and then you have to accept what is painfully clear to everyone else; you are your biggest critic and the majority of the rest is in your head.
So today as I sit, terribly disappointed with myself and feeling incredibly paranoid and as if I have failed everyone in some way, I know that really I have only failed myself. But still the worry of what others think plagues me.
Yesterday I was planning on going to a Bipolar self-help group – my therapist suggested it. They meet on the first Thursday of every month, there is a visiting speaker each month who works in mental health within some professional capacity then there is a chance to mingle with others who suffer with Bipolar disorder. I was excited to go and meet people who would understand and have had some of the same experiences as me; I thought it would probably help me to come to terms with having this illness as, at times, I find it hard to not find some of the symptoms of Bipolar a little unbelievable and ridiculous. However, anxiety got the better of me, I spent the day sleeping my anxieties away and then woke with no confidence and a lot of guilt and decided not to go, a decision I have been beating myself up about ever since…
Self-help… That is how they tell me I can manage Bipolar disorder, but how can I possibly do that when sometimes I don’t want to be better; sometimes it would be so easy to succumb to the disease, give up – face oblivion. I suppose the only way to avoid that fate is to listen to my biggest critic, me.