My biggest critic…

There isn’t a day that has gone by where I don’t feel as if I have failed in some way. My therapist says that it is my cycle, everything in my Bipolar disorder comes back to me feeling like a failure, incompetent and stupid. I have always felt judged – as if everyone in my life disapproved of me in some way. At some point, I suppose, it is rather too much of a coincidence that everyone feels the same way and then you have to accept what is painfully clear to everyone else; you are your biggest critic and the majority of the rest is in your head.

So today as I sit, terribly disappointed with myself and feeling incredibly paranoid and as if I have failed everyone in some way, I know that really I have only failed myself. But still the worry of what others think plagues me.

Yesterday I was planning on going to a Bipolar self-help group – my therapist suggested it. They meet on the first Thursday of every month, there is a visiting speaker each month who works in mental health within some professional capacity then there is a chance to mingle with others who suffer with Bipolar disorder. I was excited to go and meet people who would understand and have had some of the same experiences as me; I thought it would probably help me to come to terms with having this illness as, at times, I find it hard to not find some of the symptoms of Bipolar a little unbelievable and ridiculous. However, anxiety got the better of me, I spent the day sleeping my anxieties away and then woke with no confidence and a lot of guilt and decided not to go, a decision I have been beating myself up about ever since…

Self-help… That is how they tell me I can manage Bipolar disorder, but how can I possibly do that when sometimes I don’t want to be better; sometimes it would be so easy to succumb to the disease, give up – face oblivion. I suppose the only way to avoid that fate is to listen to my biggest critic, me.


Care to add to my rambling musings...?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s