As is usual after a period of guilt for my perceived failings as a human being, I have been struck by an unnerving sense of impending doom today. It is an uncomfortable feeling, close to the feeling that you might get when you’ve forgotten to do something really important only this is laced with a dread at the possible consequences. It reminds me of the feeling I used to get as a child when I had done something naughty and knew that my parents were only moments away from discovering my offence; it is a trepidation, a fear, it fills my heart with an itchy, weighted sorrow and spreads adrenaline until I’m so close to drowning that it hurts to breathe.
There is no calm within a phase of impending doom only a building agitation, a closeness to implosion, combustion… one more stroke of stress and my brain will explode like the proverbial time-bomb it is. There is no reasoning behind the feeling and so there is no quick fix either, only despair and confusion.
Calming things can sometimes help to soothe the ominous feeling, a warm bath, a book to get lost within, gentle music, silence and the most effective of all, in my opinion, is meditation. I have never studied meditation, I do not pretend to know the proper practices but I have found what works for me and essentially that is sitting in a comfortable position in a dimly lit room with my eyes closed and soothing music playing quietly, I slowly empty my mind of thoughts and concentrate on my breathing, letting myself drift within the nothingness. It is sheer bliss when it works but that can depend on exactly where my mood is at that time; if I am in a high mood it is impossible to meditate, not only is my mind going at 100 mph but my body does not want to stay still either and within a big depressive episode it is rather redundant to even attempt to meditate as I am generally in a near vegetative state anyway…
I keep telling myself to stay positive, I can figure out how to manage all this crazy Bipolar stuff, but the harder I try the more complicated things seem to get – I’m not sure I can make it through this.