I’d give up forever…

I’ve had a bad day, when I say this it always confuses the people I have spent time with that day; to them, I seemed to be perfectly fine, I’m sure I smiled a little, laughed even, conversed and even told a few jokes but me and my twisted brain know better than to think I’m alright. I forgot to take my medication this morning and did not realise until this evening and so I have been an unpredictable Bipolar time bomb all day…

I was within the throes of a rather high manic episode all morning, though ironically at the time I was marvelling at what I believed to be an ever elusive ‘normal’ mood; I felt outstanding, confident and motivated – I planned a new career, mapped my future, I felt beautiful and desirable (I’m not suggesting that I am unattractive but believing you are the centre of the universe and knowing you are not ugly are two very different things!) I revelled within delusions about relationships that should not and certainly will not ever come to fruition, I made a study plan for someone else, I cleaned, I sang… and my mind raced. I know that to the average person these things may seem rather trivial and maybe even normal, but the thing that makes them so disturbing to experience is the complete lack of control over these actions; I did not make a conscious decision to clean today, it was a compulsion, a need to move faster than my body is capable of moving. All of it pushing me ever closer to the edge of my capabilities; the consequences of which are that this evening I have been thrust into a deep and pensive low, where I will berate myself for not recognising a high mood until it led to this fiery hell of contemplation and lethargy.

Chief on the priorities of my faults to dissect while I am within this particular low mood is my dreadful relationship history and so in the spirit of painful honesty I am going to share the analytical skills of my merciless brain.

I have always been a hopeless romantic, I dreamt of being whisked off my feet and loved so fully that it would almost become a tangible thing. Realism was never my strong point…

Bipolar disorder, anxiety and a chronic lack of self-worth mixed in with my shockingly unrealistic ideal of love and affection destroyed any hope I had of a meaningful and worthwhile relationship. I sought the first person who showed me any measure of interest who, unsurprisingly, turned out to be the wrong person for me; I did not learn my lesson there though, I followed the very same pattern again and again… I rushed in forcing my perceived milestones of a perfect relationship, trying in vain to create my romantic ideal but of course all that led to was resentment and pain – for both me and those partners…

It took me a very, very long time to realise that those men were not bad people because they didn’t fit my ideal of a perfect partner just as I am not a bad person because we were not right for each other. Bad situations and circumstances were created because I tried to change people, I tried to force love, I settled for what I thought I was worth but was not right and those actions lead to both my mind and theirs rebelling, creating a cataclysmic set of events.

From the age of 14 I jumped from relationship to relationship looking desperately for someone willing to love me in the way I thought I needed and I had not been single for a significant amount of time until I left my husband 3 and a half years ago. This time, spent as a single woman, has enabled me to see that the love I was searching for was mine, I know it sounds cliché and more than a little cheesy but until I spent time by myself I had not really realised how thoroughly I loathed my entire being and that all I was really searching for was my own acceptance. This time alone has enabled me to search myself, learn who I am when not connected and influenced by someone else and to see that I actually like the person I have the potential to be.

I still worry that I will never find anyone who can love me unconditionally and then I remember that I have my beautiful children who look to me for love, guidance and acceptance; my family who strive to be the rigidity and structure I need and my wonderful friends who may be sparse in number but are gargantuan in heart and have shown me more unconditional love than I ever dreamt of. So though I still dream of romance and want a love that is just for me, I know without a doubt that I no longer need it.




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