I am on day two of the February school holiday schedule. Yesterday, I managed to get up at 8am as planned and then, as it wasn’t a great day weather-wise, the kids and I had a craft day; we even managed to get out of the house later, the kids riding their scooters to meet my mum at her work when she finished at 5pm and then we went on to her house for dinner. It might not seem like much to Mr. and Mrs. average Joe but for me it was quite the accomplishment, It didn’t even feel too difficult to follow through with the plan, the kids had a fun day and I felt very proud of myself.

Today is different altogether. I woke at 8am but I did not want to move, I had to force myself out of bed and even then only made it as far as the sofa where I still am now… I feel sleepy, my head is heavy and my body is a dead weight. It’s embarrassing to be this way, I feel lazy and I am incredibly irritable because I am so fiercely disappointed in myself.

What can I do to overcome this?

Everything seems like too much of a stretch right now. It all feels just out of reach, there is a murky pool of tar between me and every task and each move drags me further into its grasp. I don’t see a way out.

It’s tempting to lie down and sleep this mood away but what would that achieve? I wouldn’t be aware of the lethargy encompassing me but I would still awaken to be horribly ashamed of myself. Even knowing that it wouldn’t help is barely enough to keep my eyes from drooping, how can I fight against something I have no desire to challenge?

I wish I could bottle all of the damaging excess energy I have during a high mood and save it for moments like this, I want so desperately to be just like everyone else, where doing the dishes isn’t something that drains all of your energy. I hate being stuck in this vicious cycle of having to force myself to live in one moment and force myself to live a little less vigorously in another. I would love to see what it feels like to be normal, have a life where the mundane is just that and not an accomplishment, to be capable of regular achievements, recognised as such by others.

Instead I have to live a life of force, where my instinctual compulsions are wrong and damaging. Now I suppose it is time to decide whether to categorise this day as a wipeout or find some elusive energy and force some movement…


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