B pos, Ironically.

Over this past week I have been testing a new coping method; The February holiday plan. I wrote out a chart, giving myself a time, 8am, to get up each morning and tasks/activities for each day in the hope that it would keep me moving and give me some form of greatly needed routine whilst there is no school run regulating my days. The February holiday plan hasn’t been quite what I hoped or expected it to be, but it hasn’t been a catastrophic failure either. I think the hardest part in recognising my accomplishments is fighting against my skewed perception of what I should be doing. I look at the people around me juggling careers, children and extra-curricular activities as though it was a quiet week for them and I despair because, though I might be capable of just as much as anyone else in the short-term, no matter how many coping methods I find or how hard I try, I will never be able to maintain a life with that amount of pressure and activity and my greatest accomplishments will only ever be as big as getting out of the house to walk the dog or managing to attend a party without collapsing into a mess of anxiety.

I am trying very hard to accept that though the February holiday plan didn’t solve all of my problems, it was still a success, and I am failing miserably. I woke up at 8am every morning and did not sleep any days away; this is an achievement, this is new, but can it really be called an accomplishment when millions of other people manage to do this without issue every day? I got out of the house every single day, this is an achievement, this is new; though it is easy to overlook this accomplishment because of the mundane nature of the tasks that took me out of the house… can you categorise this as a success if all you did in a day was take the kids to a park? I did not give up on my plan, I saw it through to the end; this is an achievement, this is new, but why should I need a plan or coping method at all when other manage to live without them.

I don’t know how others would rate my accomplishments, I am well aware that my perception of what is ‘normal’ is wildly inaccurate, personally I am disappointed that I am not capable of more, I set my targets and they were too high so what am I capable of? Will I ever be able to expand my range of activities? or will it always be beyond me to fulfill what is known as the mundane to others?

I know I need to find a sense of pride in the things I can do, I have done more in this week that I have for a very long time and that should be something I am pleased with. But I want more, I want to do more and I want to feel worth more. If I can’t manage to maintain a ‘normal’ level of function what does that say about my future? What does that say about my worth to other people? What is the point in me?

 

 

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