The abyss

Anxiety, Anxiety, Paranoia, Anxiety, Anxiety, Pressure, Pressure, Pressure!!!

I have fallen to into a low that seems doomed to consume me. Each movement is sluggish, like wading through a viscous liquid or forcing a path between thorny bushes. There is pain with no direction or cause. There are tears that I cannot still. I can see no end. Fear consumes me when I have to leave the house, they are all watching me; they all hate me – they are right to hate. Everything is a failure, nothing I do will be right. I want to sleep, sleep away the fear, sleep away the paranoia but the sleep only comes through the day; the nights are filled with a noisy mind, screaming at me that I am bad, I have failed; they hate me and they should. I feel under enormous pressure; everything is falling apart around me – nothing feels solvable.

Logically I know that this is just a very low mood and that none of the above is true. I know I am not hated, I can reason that nobody is talking about me… I can see that it is all a trick of the mind, paranoia, a symptom of my disease…

My therapist says reason and logic are the way forward, the way to combat the paranoia and squelch the anxiety but it seems beyond my capability. I think perhaps I have fallen too low and I am now past the point that management can help; not that I have the motivation to even try.

I have been this low and lower before; how frustrating that I cannot remember how I conquered it then. How do I climb out of the abyss? What reason is there to try?

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