I had a busy weekend, I did lots of entertaining and activities, keeping both my mind and body blissfully occupied; no time for the usual barrage of destructive thoughts and too many planned activities to fall victim to lethargy. This is both good for me and bad for me, the sheer volume of stimulation is above and beyond my norm and so it both invigorates and exhausts me, not to mention that when the stimuli is removed I am hit with all of the carefully avoided destructive thoughts and lethargy – three days worth in one.
Today I am on the edge of a high mood, my body is buzzing with nervous energy and my mind is racing a mile a minute. I have spent the entire day starting a million and one activities/jobs and completing exactly zero of them. Movement is a good thing isn’t it? In this case, hell no!! Now is time for the lethargy to hit as I look upon a million and one jobs/activities yet to be completed, the mess and destruction the starting of these things has created, pressure mounts as I try to wrap my head around the logistics of the impossible… how will I ever get all these pointless jobs and activities completed or at least cleaned away? What have I done to myself, Ironing board mounted with all the clothes in existence, dishes both clean and unclean in the sink waiting for a wash, cupboards partly emptied with the promise of organisation, windows half washed and soggy floors, a half eaten pancake and half-baked bread, craft projects aplenty, glue peeling from my hands in a pleasantly disgusting way – the glitter climbs the walls, my bed is unmade and my mind is in tatters. No, movement is not always a good thing because now, all I want to do is sleep until the cleaning fairies come and complete all of my forgotten tasks.
The easter holiday plan!
We are three days into the easter holiday plan. It is much the same as the February holiday plan was, only now my aim is to assign an activity that gets me out of the house once every two days instead of every day because in the end the February holiday planned turned out to be far too overwhelming. I hold both less and more faith in this plan than I did in the last. Less because I was so sure the last one was going to help and so crippled when I realised that I had set my expectations too high and more faith because if this doesn’t work then I face the gargantuan summer holidays blind and with no real idea of what I can do to keep myself moving and sane. School holidays are always a difficult time for me, my Bipolar disorder needs rhythm and a strict schedule, a set time to get out of bed is a must and getting out of the house, seeing people and having fun helps to keep the desperation and desolation at bay. Knowing exactly how far too push yourself is not easy; push to far and you crumble, don’t push hard enough and either lethargy or mania will carry you away regardless of your efforts. I am perpetually balanced on the precipice of insanity.
Tomorrow is an activity day; though a visit to the psychiatrist to discuss a possible change to my medication hardly counts. This is another reason for todays restlessness, I am terrified of changing medication because of the inevitable and sickening withdrawals that come with that change but I am also aware that it is necessary and will eventually have to happen. No point musing upon what hasn’t happened yet so I should probably stop fretting about it – though that’s never stopped me before!
I have been learning to be more accepting of who I am and what I need to exist. I’m trying to shed the guilt that seems to rear its ugly head when I reach the point of having to ask for help or for something I really need. It is hard to change beliefs forged through a lifetime but I can feel the changes already, I see myself walking taller and I see myself breaking down more often; to others this gush of emotion may seem like weakness but to me it is power, it is an acknowledgment of my feelings – only my feelings are more exuberant than yours! I love myself now, the person I am, my fight and voice, I love the way I look, I’m finding my style and what is comfortable to me. I know myself better now and I am good, I’m a good person that sometimes does the wrong thing; as we all do. The more acceptance I show myself, the more I notice others opening to me aswell and that is the largest incentive to keep going that there is.
It feels as though it has taken forever to get here and I’m not even half way; but its ok, my brain is the driver and that bitch is insane, she’ll have us there in no time!