Relapse be damned!
Yesterday was my final session of therapy, I am released, I have been taught all I can be, help in the form of conversation has gone as far as they’re willing to take it; though if there was an option for permanent therapy I defiantly would have accepted it. I will miss my therapist, we have forged a bond – or perhaps only I have – that is based on such painful honesty, compassion and understanding that I feel rather bereft at the loss of it. I was also given the choice to terminate my contact with my OTA who has been taking me out and about (apparently I have made remarkable progress there too) I am getting tired of people telling me how well I’m doing when it all just feels like more of the same torture to me. Management alone does not seem like a long-term plan to me, it is not maintainable – I will fall, I will crumble. It makes me want to rebel; show them all how crazy I can be…
I made the decision to keep seeing my OTA for outings, even though he clearly does not feel he can help me anymore than he has I feel it would be rather silly to lose two figures of support at once; leaving me with just my psychiatrist, who quite frankly aggravates the hell out of me!
My psychiatrist is considering changing my medication; I have been on Venlafaxine for the duration of my therapy – initially I felt it made a fair difference to how I was feeling and even now I would credit it with lessening my anxiety symptoms, though as I have learnt more about my illness I am less and less convinced that it has been effective in helping with my swinging moods. Mood stabilisers seem to be the way forward, an ironic shift from where I began, determined not to live beholden to any medications but logically I have come to terms with the likelihood that this is the only safe way forward for me. As my therapist said though, these are large drugs and psychiatrists do not dole them out without a lot of thought and care – leading to a frustrating amount of waiting for the crazy lady! Though I will push for mood stabilisers I am also absolutely petrified of them; I’m scared of losing the dramatic moods that I am so used to and feeling dead inside, I’m scared of the side affects and most of all I am terrified of the period of time where my moods will be swinging dangerously whilst we struggle to find the correct doses and experiment with different combinations.
I will fight this illness as much as I possibly can (when I can remember that its worth fighting!) but the fight of one person will never be enough to conquer.