Decisions, decisions…

Whether you like it or not there will be decisions to be made today, tomorrow and every other day of your existence as an adult. From inane decisions like the colour of underwear to wear today or whether or not to eat that 2nd slice of cake to decisions rooted within your very soul, some that are so important to us as individuals that we may spend our entire lives pondering which road to take. Decisions like what to do with your life, who to love, what to believe, who to trust, what kind of person we want to be… Some may never find their direction, some hide from the pressure of these decisions, some will take the wrong path…

But how do we know, really, what is wrong and what is right with decisions like these?

I like to think of myself as fairly self aware, Bipolar disorder has forced me to analyse myself in microscopic detail and I feel as though I can say with confidence that I know myself fairly well. What I don’t always know is my mind – how can you make decisions on such an epic scale when you aren’t sure what you really think or feel? What do you do when that ability to make decisions is faulty?

What shall I do with my life? I have tried many, many times to make this decision. I know not everyone will find the answer to this one but I don’t want to be part of that ratio – I want to do something meaningful with myself, I want more than I have, I want to be more than I am. But it seems as though Bipolar is always standing in my way; my university education fell through because stress exasperates my illness and so when deadlines would crop up or exams loomed my moods would swing out of control. I have no qualifications to speak of and so my only hope for a job is some dead-end retail position… which is fine, but meaningless; of course I’m not even sure I can cope with a job, some days getting out of bed feels like a full time job; what if I mess up? How will I cope with the people I will inevitably have to communicate with?

Who do I trust? I trust no-one, I don’t want to be this way and the people around me have given me no reason to feel this way but still I do. I am afraid that eventually they will get fed up and leave, I am afraid of their changing moods and whether I can cope with a confrontation. I am afraid that I am not good enough. I do not understand why they want me around, maybe there is an alternative agenda? I am paranoid.

I don’t want to be this person – I want to be a somebody but how? and why?

I read an article recently that spoke about people always striving to be somebody, to do something magnificent or unique and whilst they pushed and pushed to reach this unattainable and abstract  goal their lives passed them by, their children grew old and their opportunities dwindled until one day you die and all you have ever accomplished is trying to be someone else’s idea of greatness… I found it so mesmerizingly poignant and it sticks in my mind as I reach this moment in my life where I feel there are decisions to be made. Perhaps the only real decision is whether or not I should be true to myself and really live my life as me.

So maybe I won’t be the woman with the six degrees and the fabulous job, I won’t be the one that my family boasts about to their friends or the person who always knows exactly what decision to make. But I’ll always strive to be happy, I will love my children and live my life watching theirs blossom, I will forge deep and meaningful relationships, I will ponder life’s mysteries and write in the hope that my experiences aid the experiences of others. If what I am now is all I ever achieve I have won, because I have never been more me than I am now, I have never lived as a truer form of myself than I do now and that can never be called failure. I am me and that is all I was ever meant to be.

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