My eyes are red and sore, my heart is heavy, I am drenched in the sweat of anxiety and my hands are shaking; I’m short of breath, jumpy, nervous and my heart is beating out of time. I feel as though I am on the precipice of doom once again.
Tonight some young boys that live close to my house were showing their full potential for stupidity and asinine behaviour and then inadvertently became the straw that opened the floodgates of emotion and depression that I had been holding inside and so had been building steadily within me, ready to explode. My daughter caught the attention of these boys, teasing and irritating them and in retaliation they decided to throw things at my windows. I am not equipped to deal with situations such as these, panic grips me and I am useless… I went and shouted at them and they laughed and taunted me, now I can see that perhaps it was a nervous laughter but at the time it just cemented my worthlessness, they then decided to throw a stone at my window instead of a ball; I marched over to their mothers house and told her what had happened and it stopped, for now, but I will live in fear from this point on, of the repercussions and further harassment from these rather inconsequential boys – I will walk with my head down, I will cross the street to avoid them, I will make sure they aren’t there when I leave the house, my mind will haunt me with these boys, taunt me with the potential of things that are likely never to happen – I will fear these boys who are young enough to be my own children and who did nothing more than throw a few things at a window. I don’t feel better for having stopped them, I feel destroyed because really none of this is about them, they’re just silly little boys with nothing better to do, they were just the final straw. There will be other instances, anxiety provoking times and I will never cope with any of them in the same way others can.
Everything weighs too heavily on my shoulders, life is a burden. Problems are piling high and everything is my fault, I cannot cope so I simply do nothing, I ignore everything, I switch off, I become vacant, distant and still the problems build and still the people find distance and still life happens.
I want to dig a hole and lie in it, wait for the earth to swallow me, wait to be claimed. I yearn for quiet, for peace, for sanity but it will never come, it is simply not going to happen and that is what I cannot accept, this is my life and it will never get better, it might be different at times but there is no better for me.
I am alone in a crowd.
I am so furiously angry and yet so very empty of feelings, empty of will to start the climb to normalcy once again.
Nothing led me here, yet everything brought me here. Situations bring me to my knees but the situations have never been at fault, the idiocy, ignorance and cruelty of others is not to blame, it is my diseased mind that tears me down, it rips my happiness to shreds, taints the good and suffocates all hope. No matter what positive spin I approach it with it crushes it with the force of a thousand rotund ladies.
Dear brain, please stop punishing me, please stop killing me.