I have been feeling de-humanised, detached from the very essence of life; unable to enjoy those things that should be enjoyable, no pleasure. no pain, nothingness. The emotions rage on without me but I am not the recipient nor the instigator of their feelings… anger courses and yet I am but a spectator to this show of insanity.
Then, something moves me so deeply that I cannot breathe; so deep that I cannot sleep at night for dreaming about it, fantasising, analysing… My heart fills with this that is the epitome of humanity, of feeling, life, pleasure; all of it. Enough is not enough, there is nothing that can stop my enjoyment, nothing to take the fascination away from this one magical thing that has brought me back to life, filled my aching soul and given hope to my empty heart. Obsession, irrational and destructive obsession, I must have this thing that makes me feel and I must have it over and over and over again – I must drain it until it is laid bloody and drained upon the ground, it must be mine – I must suck every drop of life, touch every inch… Never will there be enough of this thing that has brought me back to life, filled me to the brim with raw, painful, beautiful emotion. What are you, what significance do you bear? Is this real, is this emotion healthy? So deep, it goes so deep that I can feel the emotion in every inch of me, feel the life run through my veins, working my heart into a frenzy, a crescendo… up and up it goes, faster, faster, more, more.
Down I fall, spiralling, down and down, faster, faster… Tears fall and they are the sweetest tears that ever there were for I have felt, I am feeling… and yet it is too much, the emotions devour me, they crowd me, wake me from my slumber, cling to my soul and plague my every dream, the obsession has turned into a nightmare – there is no escape, there is no freedom from this curse that is emotion, these agonising feelings eat me alive… life raged on regardless while emotion ate at my ability to survive, my sight, my life; leaving disaster in its wake – a war zone, destruction. It is too much, too much emotion and too much devastation and all at once I am broken, I cannot cope, I am crushed by the weight of the thing that has brought me back to life. I ache for the barren lands of nothingness, I long for the endless nights of emptiness. There is too much emotion, too many feelings, I am lost in the sea of my fears, my tears, my anger and rage. Save me madness, hold me close and I will never forsake you again – take me away from this wretched reality, hold me close – take me once more into oblivion.
This is Bipolar Disorder, but a glimpse inside cursed mind.