I have had a rough, tumultuous couple of weeks. My life and the activity in it seems to have gone from zero to a hundred in as many seconds, it is overwhelming and scary but also incredibly good for me and the start of a future full of more than just illness. I know this and yet I am drained, exhausted.

I have finally found a place where I am comfortable talking about the darkest moments of my illness with the people around me; anyone at all in fact – I no longer hide, I have embraced this illness, I have accepted it. Though I still find myself wishing it would disappear and perhaps I always will. However, somewhere along this liberating road of calling on others to lend an ear, a shoulder… etc. I have forgotten that positivity heals, I speak only of the negative, of the bad times and never deign to mention the wonderful, the fulfilling or the downright awesome and so I have resolved to do just that. Whether people are interested or not I am going to start telling them when I feel good; if I can worry them when my hold on sanity seems a little precarious then surely I can declare that I am ok as well – maybe I owe them that. And right now I’m feeling pretty awesome about myself, I am liking who I am, I am proud of my achievements…

These past couple of weeks have taught me about my limitations but they have also shown me that I can push through those limitations; that the things I can do are endless if I take my time, push little by little and keep trying. I have been praised for things that most would see as inconsequential but to me they are gargantuan feats. It warms me immensely to know that these people really get it; that I am not seen as lazy or a failure because one day the idea of a room full of people is too much to bear and that acceptance only bolsters my confidence so that the next day I come in and throw caution to the wind, breaking down a barrage of obstacles.

I must strive to remember when the dark times come that this journey of illness has been a positive one. The positivity of the illness itself is perhaps dubious, but I would not be the person I am today without it… Since seeking help and diagnosis over a year and a half ago I have been met with nothing but kindness, there is nobody in my life at this moment that doesn’t accept my illness and that in itself is a blessing I am certain not all can claim to have. I am surrounded by nothing but positivity and support and I must hold this close when the shadows creep in; I must remember that I am lucky and that I am loved.

Of course, it is one thing knowing what is right and quite another following the right path when it will perhaps cause you to lose something you so crave but nevertheless I follow what I know to be right even though I desire what is wrong. Something wrong was practically thrown down before me recently, something I would have jumped upon a few years ago; perhaps even a few months ago. But it wasn’t right for me, it wouldn’t have made me happy in the long run had it even lasted that long, it isn’t who I am and I am so proud to know that – it has taken a long time to get to know myself this well – it would have been an empty filler to an already empty hollow. It was not as difficult to resist as I imagined it would have been, perhaps I am healing after all. Perhaps I am a fuller version of myself than I was before and maybe when the time comes it will finally be right and good and worth fighting for…

Positivity heals.


2 thoughts on “Positivity

  1. Nicole says:

    I wish everyone in my life accepted my illness. My boyfriend still wants me off all medicine. I want him on medicine. i really think he’s bipolar. He has extremely high highs followed by crashes.

  2. The Borg says:

    I am not in a place where I can push through limitations, I’m in a place way back at the beginning where I’m learning what my limitations are. It’s a shitty place to be.
    I enjoyed this post, I try to remember the positives too, in dark times. I’m pretty darn ok at it, but sometimes I have no control over the devil on my shoulder xo

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