One or the other

As one part of your life seems to improve another spectacularly falls apart… and so I should have expected that when I could finally acknowledge a fairly level mood my physical health would deteriorate. It is as if I have neglected my body whilst focusing on my diseased mind and now it is bombarding me with the ills of a great many years.

However, I also know that mental illness can manifest in physical symptoms. In fact when I was first diagnosed with Chronic depression(incorrectly) it was a diagnosis based mainly on physical symptoms such as; a pain in the lower back, chronic earache with no apparent cause… etc. and so the possibility that these odd physical symptoms I am suffering at the moment are linked to my mental illness is an option I have considered.

I have been suffering what would seem to be a daily allergic reaction which appears as I sleep culminating in both hives and swelling. Anti-histamines clear it eventually but both my GP and I are at a loss as to why this is happening… The really odd thing is that the very same thing happened at almost exactly this time last year leading me to believe that this is perhaps a seasonal allergy though to what I don’t know, I have not heard of anyone having a seasonal allergy as summer turns to autumn. I have also been having chest pains when I breathe; my GP says my breathing sounds fine but he is sending me for an x-ray as a precaution but again he cannot fathom why I would be having chest pains, I sometimes get a tight chest when I have a panic attack but this feeling is entirely different. My stomach feels strange in a way I cannot even begin to describe and my lungs feel heavy…

My anxiety is very high at the moment. I can’t even contemplate answering my phone – the door is being ignored as my heart pounds like I’m running a marathon, I have been avoiding friends and once again my mind screams ‘Please leave me alone, please leave me alone!’ if anyone threatens to approach or acknowledge me. I want isolation and yet it is also the very last thing I want and need.

Usually when my anxiety is high my mood is low and yet as I mentioned before I am for once, fairly level and so it would appear that my anxiety is less connected to my mood than I thought or maybe all of this, the physical symptoms, the detachment of symptoms… etc. just means that I am suppressing my moods causing them to find another outlet which will ultimately be more or just as damaging.

Sometimes I wonder why I analyse and think so much, often to the point of destruction and devastation. Why can’t I just enjoy what seems to be some improvement? Why must I make it into something negative? Perhaps I crave the negativity?

I am so tired of being angry, of being frustrated and so bone tired. Even my changing mood didn’t bring about enough change for me. I am fed up with me.  Someone teach me to be happy…


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