Things are getting serious.
Tomorrow I start a two week work placement set up by an agency that has been helping me work through the mental barriers keeping me out of work; so far this agency has done nothing but good for my confidence and self esteem, they are helpful, understanding and work with enough force to keep me motivated and eager to please. I am hoping that this placement will serve as an additional boost of confidence but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous – I am literally sick with anxiety… I’m going to push through it even though there are a million excuses in my head as to why I shouldn’t; is it time to move on to another milestone? Yes, I think it is.
I have been working pretty hard towards this new milestone, harder than I have worked in a while… I had clearly given up trying to be better for a time – not that I realised that whilst I was doing it – but I can’t promise it won’t happen again; a lifetime of this crappy illness and you’re going to have a few patches where you cannot move yourself to care one iota about being a functioning human being. For the past couple of weeks I have been attending a key skills course with this agency that is helping me – for me, the benefit of it is mostly being forced into a group situation with people I don’t know and still participating in the course but another more surprising benefit is the enjoyment I have found in getting out of the house every day, having a purpose and goal to achieve has lifted my spirit to no end. The praise I have been receiving has been like manna to me, so intoxicatingly delicious that I strive further and push harder to do more, be more…
I can see a change coming and though it is scary as all hell right now, it also seems plausible; it is almost tangible in its likelihood; I am employable, that employability will be sustainable – there is a future waiting out there for me.
My mood has been fairly stable throughout all of this anxious turmoil which is comforting to say the least; I wonder if my medication has finally reached a dose that is therapeutic to me or perhaps as my life is settling so my mind is too?
The downside of coming up out the dank regions of selfish depression/low mood is once again caring about how your mood may have impacted those around you; having to listen to what they felt and how they didn’t want be around you at that time. I get that being around a depressed person is hard, I understand that it probably drags them down too but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear and next time I am down it will simply make me distance myself more than I would usually… which is unfair of me but exactly what is going to happen.
I have found that those around me are more prone to belief in my illness now and my mum especially has opened herself completely to the reality of Bipolar disorder; even recently telling friends of the family that I have Bipolar disorder when they questioned my anxiety issues and setting them straight when they tried to blame my illness on circumstantial things within my childhood; as Bipolar disorder is largely thought to be a chemical illness circumstance can only exasperate existing problems. She has never made me feel more respected and understood; it was a special moment.
I doubt I will get much sleep tonight; fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of success… but regardless of the barriers, mental or otherwise, that I face I will push through because I am strong, I am a warrior. My brain will never win.