Today I remembered that I had forgotten and it was an inspiring moment.
Today I remembered that I am loved; whether in the ways I want to be or not.
Today I remembered that I am blessed with a caring network of people that I trust to support me; whether they help in the ways I want them to or not.
Today I remembered that I have learnt about and studied my illness and that I have the tools to manage this beast; whether I feel capable or not.
Today I remembered that I am not alone; whether lonely or not.
Today I remembered that I have reason to fight!
Today I remembered that I am a warrior!
and today I remembered that I am worth more!
It took a meeting with someone who genuinely understands the illogical logic and experiences of someone with mental illness to remind me of these things. Somewhere along my travels I dropped all of the coping mechanisms that I had learnt in CBT and all of the other management techniques I had put in place to control/lessen/soften/pre-empt my swinging moods. Maybe I lost the will to try, maybe I had given up it wouldn’t be the first time … perhaps it was beyond my capabilities at that time but regardless of the what, where and why I must, from this day forward, make a more concentrated effort to use the things I learnt in CBT and to keep managing this monster of an illness – what am I waiting for exactly when standing stagnant while the epic war of my mind rages around me? I suppose I keep visiting my psychiatrist, guzzling my cocktail of pills and forcing my way through crippling anxieties whilst swinging from the peaks of all extremes in the hope that eventually someone will just take this retched disease off of my hands and out of my mind; still, I have not come to terms with this being a permanent illness, will I ever be able to accept that this is my lot? and truly own my illness…
There are a big couple of weeks coming up for me and I am terrified and sickened at the mere thought of what is to come but I know without a doubt that this will be a positive experience for me but most importantly I am warm from the knowledge that there are a million friendly faces waiting to catch me should I fall and with that in my mind I have no doubt that I will come out the other end fighting as I have so many, many times before.
As a wise person once said ‘I am far from the worst version of my illness and so I have succeeded, I have won.’