At the risk of happiness…

I have been remarkably well balanced of late and it is both enthralling and worrying – I feel as though both myself and everyone around me is waiting for the inevitable fall… how bad will it be this time around?

Or maybe, just maybe; this is me coming out the other end of all the work I put into learning about my illness and the techniques and coping methods that would aid in me in living my version of a normal life… Maybe the time for learning and analysing is past and it is finally time to put all of these skills into practice and begin to live once again – I don’t think I have ever hoped for something to be true as much as I do for that.

I have found different things to focus my energies on – positive things, good things… and so I find myself dwelling in the pit of despair and illness less and less every day and though I wouldn’t have believed it before, it is true what they say; these coping methods do become second nature more and more as each day passes…

I had a day of clumsiness and mass anxiety on Tuesday and it didn’t floor me, I coped with humour, I coped by talking through each incident and giving voice to the irrational anxiety within me and then I made time for things that made me feel good – people that made me feel good; even though I would readily have closed my eyes on the world. I awoke the next day to a better mood, a better day and I realised that it is all about how I choose to view the things happening to me. I don’t believe that I will always be capable of overcoming a day like that, the nature of this illness is that sometimes it is just beyond our control – but, I do see now, that not all of these days and incidents are beyond my control… I could have sent myself on a downward spiral using that day as reason enough and in the past I probably would have and once you have made the trip into that well of depression it is not so easy to bring yourself back.

I have also realised how blessed I am with the support and understanding that I have around me. I am in the position at the moment that I worry about the judgements new people in my life may make on my illness and other eccentricities; not everyone finds so many wonderful people around them ready to learn, listen and understand, as I have around me.

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‘You are what makes you happy…’

This is not a night of nothingness and yet it is exactly that. This night does not begin and end with me sitting here feeling the need to share and nothing of any meaning spilling from my fingertips; no, this night I sit with my soul bare, tears cascading, snot pouring in glamorous puddles… this is a night for sitting in the rain crying, not in melancholy but in pure exhilaration (A first!) because somehow, without knowing, we’ve reached a point of such significance in our life that it just has to be written, documented in minute detail – analysed to the last molecule, worshiped and shared… this night changes me.

And yet, nothing has happened tonight but the slotting of the pieces in mind. Everything fits, it all makes sense and it is wonderful.

I make me happy.

I promised myself that I would not be such an overwhelming person, so vocal about what I believe others do for me and the effect it has, after it coming up in conversation with my amazing friend which then grew into the worry, the fear, that I was somehow doing something wrong in gushing about how significant these people are to me – but now I get it, now it doesn’t matter. Because you said the most beautiful thing I’m just being me. This is me.

I am emotionally driven, I lead with my heart and my feelings and I always have and finally I have done what I never thought possible and let someone get close enough to me for long enough that they know this about me, that they know more about me than any other and love me all the more for it. That they care about whether or not I get hurt, that they give me the best advice; that they remind me that I am the leader of this bizarre thing we all call life. What more to call this pivotal person than friend? What more to give them than everything about me and love and support in return of theirs.

I get it now, I feel like I finally understand… I am the captain of my own ship and all those aboard are there only at my behest and will leave at my request… people will come and go – perhaps friendships too – but I never will and I am enough to make me happy, I can be whole whilst alone.

I was always lonely, always. I lived a life surrounded by love and family and all those other things that people crave and search for their entire lives… I created my perceived perfection on so many an occasion and yet it wasn’t it, it wasn’t that thing I had been needing and always I felt lonely, never alone but lonely… And all that time I never knew that all I was looking for was me, my love, my attention, my feelings, my conversation and once I had those everything else would fall into place… everything else would take a new significance because I had me so I needed nothing from others – there is no desperation, only fun, only love, only what feels good and right… I am what makes me happy.

Such a simple concept and yet one that I believe not many of us ever truly discover…

I never let a relationship, friendship or any other close attachment get beyond three years; that was my cut off – the point beyond which they were too close and I shut down and retreated… Now, almost five years into a relationship with myself (singledom!!), just over four years into the closest friendship of my life and many others that have come along with it, there are people that know the real me, the one I never knew was there and yet, despite my many faults, both I and them love me regardless… and so though I broach the horizon of new milestones, new lessons and perhaps eventually even a life anew, I stand still awhile and watch the rain; I cry this lesson out and soak it into my pores because it is a vital one that I shall take with me in my heart for the rest of my days, I will carry it along as though it were a lucky charm… it will be the thing I whisper as I close my eyes and the first thought as I wake.

I make me happy and I make me whole.

Lttf

Life. It is never what we feel it ought to be. It does nothing that we ask it to and yet; it always takes us exactly where we’re meant to be.

I have come to the conclusion that tears are good and laughter is better, that instead of ruling my emotions I must allow them to breathe, watch them, learn from them, deal with them, talk about them to people who care. Suppression never made anyone feel whole. What an important lesson to have learned; that emotion is ok, that feeling is ok, that the way I function is ok! I feel as though I know myself inside and out, there are very few stones left unturned and it leaves me feeling secure in my own skin and free to sense who and what I should surround myself with. I feel more love than ever before pouring in from those around me and I can’t decipher if it because they love me more or that I see it now, I feel it now but it doesn’t matter because I feel it and I know that I deserve it.

I am proud, painfully proud, of the me I am today and of the battles I have fought and am yet to fight and yet I am oh so disappointed; but that is good, because that means there is more to come from me, I can do more, I can be more… I have finally come to the place where there is no desperation. no need, just hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. I never thought I would reach this place.

I have never felt so free within myself, so in control and terrified of the potential drop from these stable heights…

There will be turmoil. There will be desperate lows and maddening highs; nothing will stop my Bipolar. But I hope that on those days I return to this post and see that it is ok… because the people around me love me regardless, I have lain myself bare and they have accepted me, it is ok because I love me regardless…. It is ok because I am invariably good! It is ok because once the tears have fallen, the money spent, the harsh words said and the darkness banished, I have me and I have them and I will be ok again.