‘You are what makes you happy…’

This is not a night of nothingness and yet it is exactly that. This night does not begin and end with me sitting here feeling the need to share and nothing of any meaning spilling from my fingertips; no, this night I sit with my soul bare, tears cascading, snot pouring in glamorous puddles… this is a night for sitting in the rain crying, not in melancholy but in pure exhilaration (A first!) because somehow, without knowing, we’ve reached a point of such significance in our life that it just has to be written, documented in minute detail – analysed to the last molecule, worshiped and shared… this night changes me.

And yet, nothing has happened tonight but the slotting of the pieces in mind. Everything fits, it all makes sense and it is wonderful.

I make me happy.

I promised myself that I would not be such an overwhelming person, so vocal about what I believe others do for me and the effect it has, after it coming up in conversation with my amazing friend which then grew into the worry, the fear, that I was somehow doing something wrong in gushing about how significant these people are to me – but now I get it, now it doesn’t matter. Because you said the most beautiful thing I’m just being me. This is me.

I am emotionally driven, I lead with my heart and my feelings and I always have and finally I have done what I never thought possible and let someone get close enough to me for long enough that they know this about me, that they know more about me than any other and love me all the more for it. That they care about whether or not I get hurt, that they give me the best advice; that they remind me that I am the leader of this bizarre thing we all call life. What more to call this pivotal person than friend? What more to give them than everything about me and love and support in return of theirs.

I get it now, I feel like I finally understand… I am the captain of my own ship and all those aboard are there only at my behest and will leave at my request… people will come and go – perhaps friendships too – but I never will and I am enough to make me happy, I can be whole whilst alone.

I was always lonely, always. I lived a life surrounded by love and family and all those other things that people crave and search for their entire lives… I created my perceived perfection on so many an occasion and yet it wasn’t it, it wasn’t that thing I had been needing and always I felt lonely, never alone but lonely… And all that time I never knew that all I was looking for was me, my love, my attention, my feelings, my conversation and once I had those everything else would fall into place… everything else would take a new significance because I had me so I needed nothing from others – there is no desperation, only fun, only love, only what feels good and right… I am what makes me happy.

Such a simple concept and yet one that I believe not many of us ever truly discover…

I never let a relationship, friendship or any other close attachment get beyond three years; that was my cut off – the point beyond which they were too close and I shut down and retreated… Now, almost five years into a relationship with myself (singledom!!), just over four years into the closest friendship of my life and many others that have come along with it, there are people that know the real me, the one I never knew was there and yet, despite my many faults, both I and them love me regardless… and so though I broach the horizon of new milestones, new lessons and perhaps eventually even a life anew, I stand still awhile and watch the rain; I cry this lesson out and soak it into my pores because it is a vital one that I shall take with me in my heart for the rest of my days, I will carry it along as though it were a lucky charm… it will be the thing I whisper as I close my eyes and the first thought as I wake.

I make me happy and I make me whole.

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