At the risk of happiness…

I have been remarkably well balanced of late and it is both enthralling and worrying – I feel as though both myself and everyone around me is waiting for the inevitable fall… how bad will it be this time around?

Or maybe, just maybe; this is me coming out the other end of all the work I put into learning about my illness and the techniques and coping methods that would aid in me in living my version of a normal life… Maybe the time for learning and analysing is past and it is finally time to put all of these skills into practice and begin to live once again – I don’t think I have ever hoped for something to be true as much as I do for that.

I have found different things to focus my energies on – positive things, good things… and so I find myself dwelling in the pit of despair and illness less and less every day and though I wouldn’t have believed it before, it is true what they say; these coping methods do become second nature more and more as each day passes…

I had a day of clumsiness and mass anxiety on Tuesday and it didn’t floor me, I coped with humour, I coped by talking through each incident and giving voice to the irrational anxiety within me and then I made time for things that made me feel good – people that made me feel good; even though I would readily have closed my eyes on the world. I awoke the next day to a better mood, a better day and I realised that it is all about how I choose to view the things happening to me. I don’t believe that I will always be capable of overcoming a day like that, the nature of this illness is that sometimes it is just beyond our control – but, I do see now, that not all of these days and incidents are beyond my control… I could have sent myself on a downward spiral using that day as reason enough and in the past I probably would have and once you have made the trip into that well of depression it is not so easy to bring yourself back.

I have also realised how blessed I am with the support and understanding that I have around me. I am in the position at the moment that I worry about the judgements new people in my life may make on my illness and other eccentricities; not everyone finds so many wonderful people around them ready to learn, listen and understand, as I have around me.

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