Running for the bus

Do you ever have a day of seeing the same thing so often that you’re certain it’s trying to tell you something?

For me that was the day of running for the bus… It was a day of mass appointments; ones that would have had me in a mess of nerves previously but have now become the norm, paling into mediocrity. I took many buses that day and as I gazed out of the window I took in the sights of people going about their days and dealing with the eccentricities of life.
I saw a man in a dapper suit, his suitcase waving wildly as he began sprinting towards the stop whilst the bus made ready to pull away, at another there was a mother with two small children trailing awkwardly behind her as she tried desperately to get to the bus in time, an elderly woman, a couple of teenagers… almost every stop had a tale to tell, some made it and some didn’t but it struck me that they had all made a choice, they could run for the bus or they could walk and watch it drive away without them… What would they be missing if they did not get this bus? How would their lives change?

I think that is what has changed in my mind. I think that may be one of the final pieces of the puzzle on this rocky road to enlightenment. I have made the choice to run for my bus, to unashamedly sprint to catch my life up because though it may be a hard slog and leave me breathless and tired, who knows what I might be missing if I continue to walk and let the world drive away without me.

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Look before

Look before
The weeping child
A bed of thorns
A laughter, mild
No hope, nor dream
No splendid thing
My love, my life
My gilded wing

Look today
My brightest spark
A laughter deep
A loving heart
Within resides
The dreams and hopes
Of yesteryear
For those, she gropes
Not yet finished
Not quite begun
A Web of wonder
A spread of sun

Look beyond
I see the light
A smile to share
A love that’s right
Through the toil
And pain, and grief
She found her sun
She found belief

Yet happiness
It comes and goes
But now this girl
She feels she knows
That those who leave were never meant
And within her love
She is content

Words

In the eve,
In the Night,
The silence plays witness to my plight
Not a sound
Not a breath
Not a touch of tenderness
And so I play your words
Play them like a song
I gather all our moments
And they carry me along
Lift me to the stars
Cradle me in conversation
When nought but loneliness
hears my plee
Eradicate my devastation
Fill me with words,
Of tomorrow
And today
I’ll close my eyes
And I shall float away

Mindfulness

I love sitting outside, as still and quiet as the night; I love to listen – especially when the wind blows, spreading my hair behind me like a cape… The wind carries secrets, it spreads the world’s noise… I have always felt empowered standing in the wind – it is cleansing, it is refreshing and it makes me feel alive.
At this time of year, as winter yields to spring, the sounds change and so does my mood; birdsong competes with distant sirens, the laughter of children competes with the rush of traffic… my heart’s song competes with the logic of my mind… and I listen and I feel because it is all beautiful.

As the cold permeates I feel alive. It reminds me of who I am and how fragile we can be.

I wish I could always be as mindful of my surroundings as I am in the deafening silence, outside, in the wind…

A door to my past

I find it incredible that the process of learning about yourself never ends – are we really such complex beings that even a lifetime is not enough time to learn about ourselves or are we constantly evolving, does circumstance forever shape our personality…?

My mental health has never been in a more stable place than it is now – I am incredibly proud of myself and just plain grateful to have made it to this point of relative health; though that’s not to say that the evidence of my illness does not still make itself known – perhaps it is more my acceptance of my illness and the eccentricities it brings that makes me feel healthier, it is certainly a weight off of the mind when you finally decide to work with your illness and not fight against things that are a major part of the person you are.
I am not bipolar disorder but it is a big part of me and in my most pensive moments I feel almost blessed to have it… Would I be this person and know myself so well if I did not have this illness?

The further I move into health the more disappointed I become with the state of the rest of my life – when illness calls everything else gets put on hold – my life has been frozen, lying in wait since the destruction of five years ago when I was not me and life was not mine… This, I take as a sign that it is time to mobilise, time to plan and move forward but patience escapes me and I fall into the traps of the past as I try to force milestones and rush the un-rushable… I will ruin this new beginning if I do not learn to live at the pace that is given to me; I will plummet once more if I do not find the support to do this… why do I feel a failure if I don’t find a job immediately… If I don’t have all of those things that we are told make us adults… If I can’t find instantaneous love, instant gratification… success in the eyes of the many.

Something has to change for me to move forward and it would seem that that something is me, my perceptions of what makes life happy, fulfilling, right… Because forcing happiness is not the key to health it is merely a door to my past and key to my doom.

The rise, the fall.

I’ve seen it all
The Rise
The fall
Our every word
And every beat
From the hearts in love
And retreating feet
My love, don’t flee
I’ll hold your hand
Weather the storm
Soon, there’ll be land

I’ve seen it all
The rise
The fall
But in your arms
I stand strong,
I stand tall
Not a breath I’ll take in fear
For my heart can sense
When yours is near

And I’ve seen it all
The rise
The fall
But for you
I wouldn’t change a thing
Not a single thing at all…

A fools game

There are many negatives to never having had a functional and healthy relationship and one of those is that you cannot judge what is right and what is wrong so easily… Am I being made a fool of? Is this healthy? Is this right?
How much time do you offer someone before you are wasting your time? Is it all relative?

For all my attempts to take this new dating venture with a pinch of salt, I am still finding myself speaking in increasingly intense tones… I berate myself and then I wonder if perhaps this is just the person I am and so perhaps I should just embrace this part of myself.

I have no idea what is acceptable and what is not in this new world and I suppose the methods of communication don’t help either… Can you really tell who is genuine in a written message? I love writing for the very fact that you can be anyone you want within the written word and so who is to say these men are real?

Perhaps I am just over thinking… Over analysing… It wouldn’t be the first time. I wish I could share myself without laying myself bare, so vulnerable but for some reason I can’t… I worked hard to get to this point, where I am open and honest and I find it incredibly liberating but it is also new to me in this vain. In relationships before this I was closed, I lied to make myself seem more interesting and appealing to the other person and so everything felt safer and further away from me because if I were rejected it wasn’t the real me being rejected… This does not feel safe, this feels raw. Maybe that is how everyone feels?

Do other people worry about these things? Is it just a case of going with the flow?

I’m unsure of my next move but perhaps it is time to move with more caution in these games of the heart…

Plenty more fish

I decided to take a giant leap of faith a few months ago and join an online dating agency – being an introvert makes it difficult to meet people outwith my normal circle – I’ve felt for a while that, mentally, I was ready to jump back into the murky swamp that is that of relationships and finally decided that I needed to be proactive about it instead of sitting around waiting for someone to come to me… of course, this also brings the threat of obsession and being caught in an endless compulsion to find anyone who will have me – I know this – and so I have been limiting myself, only talking to a small number of people, keeping things light and without pressure, talking about what I’m doing with my friends and family… painful honesty all the way because you’re less likely to do something stupid if you know you’ll need to confess to it later!!

Now, me and relationships have never been the greatest friends – I chose those who were interested and looked at them no deeper than that… This is so different, I’m me – the real, intense, emotionally lead, slightly dysfunctional me – not the best behaviour, trying to be normal version I would have used in the past and so I can tell if they actually like the me that I really am and if it’s too much, it’s too much… I’m asking questions, connecting with people, really scoping out who they are and how we might fit together and I’m enjoying it!

I’ve spoken to lots of men, met one (which was both terrifying and exhilarating!!) and that didn’t work out but isn’t that fantastic!! I knew it wasn’t right and left it alone!! I didn’t gravitate towards the loveliest, but most hollow of words – I knew I needed something different…

I can’t help but feel achingly proud of myself and if nothing else comes from this venture but that I will be content because I see how far I’ve come and I worked hard for this one!