I decided to take a giant leap of faith a few months ago and join an online dating agency – being an introvert makes it difficult to meet people outwith my normal circle – I’ve felt for a while that, mentally, I was ready to jump back into the murky swamp that is that of relationships and finally decided that I needed to be proactive about it instead of sitting around waiting for someone to come to me… of course, this also brings the threat of obsession and being caught in an endless compulsion to find anyone who will have me – I know this – and so I have been limiting myself, only talking to a small number of people, keeping things light and without pressure, talking about what I’m doing with my friends and family… painful honesty all the way because you’re less likely to do something stupid if you know you’ll need to confess to it later!!
Now, me and relationships have never been the greatest friends – I chose those who were interested and looked at them no deeper than that… This is so different, I’m me – the real, intense, emotionally lead, slightly dysfunctional me – not the best behaviour, trying to be normal version I would have used in the past and so I can tell if they actually like the me that I really am and if it’s too much, it’s too much… I’m asking questions, connecting with people, really scoping out who they are and how we might fit together and I’m enjoying it!
I’ve spoken to lots of men, met one (which was both terrifying and exhilarating!!) and that didn’t work out but isn’t that fantastic!! I knew it wasn’t right and left it alone!! I didn’t gravitate towards the loveliest, but most hollow of words – I knew I needed something different…
I can’t help but feel achingly proud of myself and if nothing else comes from this venture but that I will be content because I see how far I’ve come and I worked hard for this one!