A fools game

There are many negatives to never having had a functional and healthy relationship and one of those is that you cannot judge what is right and what is wrong so easily… Am I being made a fool of? Is this healthy? Is this right?
How much time do you offer someone before you are wasting your time? Is it all relative?

For all my attempts to take this new dating venture with a pinch of salt, I am still finding myself speaking in increasingly intense tones… I berate myself and then I wonder if perhaps this is just the person I am and so perhaps I should just embrace this part of myself.

I have no idea what is acceptable and what is not in this new world and I suppose the methods of communication don’t help either… Can you really tell who is genuine in a written message? I love writing for the very fact that you can be anyone you want within the written word and so who is to say these men are real?

Perhaps I am just over thinking… Over analysing… It wouldn’t be the first time. I wish I could share myself without laying myself bare, so vulnerable but for some reason I can’t… I worked hard to get to this point, where I am open and honest and I find it incredibly liberating but it is also new to me in this vain. In relationships before this I was closed, I lied to make myself seem more interesting and appealing to the other person and so everything felt safer and further away from me because if I were rejected it wasn’t the real me being rejected… This does not feel safe, this feels raw. Maybe that is how everyone feels?

Do other people worry about these things? Is it just a case of going with the flow?

I’m unsure of my next move but perhaps it is time to move with more caution in these games of the heart…


One thought on “A fools game

  1. weavergrace says:

    I stopped by just to Like one of your posts, and you keep catching my attention.

    I don’t know what I’d do without my husband to check my judgement. He has learned how to gently point out to me when I am speaking in those increasingly intense tones that indicate that I’m getting overstimulated/wound up, so I back down without ruffled feathers.

    I find your explanation for your compulsive lying interesting. I have thought of it as rewarding as I learned to tell people what they wanted to hear. How sensible to see it as protection! Now that I graduated to being able to enjoy intimacy, it makes sense that I don’t lie any more, when I look at it that way. Hmmmmmm

    I wish I could give you magic words of dating advice. When my husband’s eyes and mine first met, I knew that I wanted him to be a close friend, and he knew that he wanted to marry me. Previously, I went through very difficult relationships that required me to learn a lot so I could move on to better situations.

    There have been times when I missed the thrill of flirting and getting to know someone, but my bipolar has become so severe, I am eternally grateful to have an outstandingly cherishing partner support me through it to make it as easy as possible. I wish the same for you.

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