A door to my past

I find it incredible that the process of learning about yourself never ends – are we really such complex beings that even a lifetime is not enough time to learn about ourselves or are we constantly evolving, does circumstance forever shape our personality…?

My mental health has never been in a more stable place than it is now – I am incredibly proud of myself and just plain grateful to have made it to this point of relative health; though that’s not to say that the evidence of my illness does not still make itself known – perhaps it is more my acceptance of my illness and the eccentricities it brings that makes me feel healthier, it is certainly a weight off of the mind when you finally decide to work with your illness and not fight against things that are a major part of the person you are.
I am not bipolar disorder but it is a big part of me and in my most pensive moments I feel almost blessed to have it… Would I be this person and know myself so well if I did not have this illness?

The further I move into health the more disappointed I become with the state of the rest of my life – when illness calls everything else gets put on hold – my life has been frozen, lying in wait since the destruction of five years ago when I was not me and life was not mine… This, I take as a sign that it is time to mobilise, time to plan and move forward but patience escapes me and I fall into the traps of the past as I try to force milestones and rush the un-rushable… I will ruin this new beginning if I do not learn to live at the pace that is given to me; I will plummet once more if I do not find the support to do this… why do I feel a failure if I don’t find a job immediately… If I don’t have all of those things that we are told make us adults… If I can’t find instantaneous love, instant gratification… success in the eyes of the many.

Something has to change for me to move forward and it would seem that that something is me, my perceptions of what makes life happy, fulfilling, right… Because forcing happiness is not the key to health it is merely a door to my past and key to my doom.


One thought on “A door to my past

  1. weavergrace says:

    Your opening line caught my eye in my Reader. I have been talking about feeling like I am just starting to read my owner’s manual.

    I am less stable than ever, and have been making leaps and bounds of progress learning how to distinguish the ups and downs, and the warning signs. Again, I feel like I’m just beginning to learn about this, even though it’s been going on for decades.

    “Forcing happiness” Now, that’s an interesting concept. I, too, have tried it and it doesn’t work for me either.

    Wishing you well…

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