Tonight is a night of nights past; it is a night of worry and fear, a night of overthinking, of loneliness and regret… I have not had a night like this in a long time and I despise it – it fills me with dread because I am aware that it could well become the decline into abyss and the start of so many troubles once again…
How do I stop this from happening?
I have been so well, so happy and yet tonight is heavy, tonight is nothingness once more.
Life is moving on as it always does and on the 22nd of April I will have my last appointment with my psychiatrist and a couple of days after, my last appointment with my support worker and to be frank, these things don’t bother me – although I thought they would, I feel I have moved so far into health that, in my mind, that chapter of my life is closed already and I am within a moment where I must try to recapture and rebuild the elements of my life that had to be dropped in order to drag myself into wellness… and so I have been dating, though I will keep the details of how that is progressing to myself but suffice to say it seems to have been a worthwhile jaunt into the unknown… I am applying to continue my degree which I dropped when I decided to seek help because of the mass of stress and anxiety it brought me – I know it still may prove to be too much pressure for me and so I enter with that at the forefront of my mind; knowing that this will ultimately be my last attempt at completing this degree but that it is worth trying whilst I am feeling in reasonable health… I am still searching for jobs but with no luck as yet… Still playing mother with no idea of whether I am doing it well or poorly, still getting out of bed each day which compared to six or seven years ago, is a massive feat in itself… How difficult it is to remember how far I have come from those dreadful years.
Will I always have to live with this sense of fear, this blind panic that any moment now I might become the mess of mental illness that I know I am capable of… What if I spend all my energy building this new future and then succumb to illness once again; how many lives can I inflict pain and worry upon this time?! Is it hopelessly selfish of me to seek a partner when I may well end up being more burden than lover?
What tips the scales here?
Why do I feel this way tonight?
Where is the reason to it all?
I love being such an emotional and expressive person; I worked hard to free my feelings in this way and it is to great benefit of my health that I allow myself to fully leak every feeling into the world and yet it leaves me so painfully vulnerable to others… I have been lucky in life, I have found a great many people who embrace and love those things about me and yet there are always some who seek to ruin and sometimes I wish I could express myself and yet still be protected.
Does the open nature of my emotions and feelings lessen or increase the risk of decline and regression?
I think perhaps I need to be proactive about this dip in my mood; end the dwelling nothingness and tears – meditate to cleanse and sleep; tomorrow will be brighter.