Life has been moving at both a very slow and a very fast pace of late and both interact with each other to create a level of calm that I have seldom experienced, but that I relish.
I have only recently begun to understand what a vastly different person I have become; stronger, kinder and more compassionate – less demanding… Of course, I have my flaws as we all do but I am so very proud of the fierce independence I feel emanating from within. When I look back at the person I was I shudder to think how anyone could stand to be around me… I wonder if I have the potential to be that dark, self absorbed person again – and I know its within me but I also know that things are different now and it is unlikely I would ever let go long enough to allow myself to slide that far down the dank well of depression. I have worked hard to reach this stage; worked hard to be able to get out of bed every morning and function in the way that I do – it does not seem like much to others but it is akin to climbing mount Everest to me. There is more I need to do; there will always be more, but if I have learnt anything in this period of management it is that I must pace myself to avoid falling over my own feet.
I am finding it rather difficult to manage both a new relationship and my Bipolar disorder. Many of the management techniques I have in place did not factor in the possibility that someone else might become entwined within my life and so I must adapt and learn once again how to control my moods and emotions. Though, with so many new and often strong emotions happening right now, controlling my emotions is proving to be somewhat of a challenge as well – leading to bouts of illogical tears which tend to confuse both my new partner and myself. I am certain I will overcome these obstacles but it is frustrating that even something that should be exciting and pleasurable has become something that requires work and management – though even as I write that I realise that all relationships require work and management and so perhaps I shouldn’t concern myself quite so much and I must say that despite these stumbling blocks, I do find this new chapter in my life both exciting and pleasurable.
I find it difficult to know how to deal with certain situations and I have been slightly reckless on a couple of occasions within this relationship – I am trying to be transparent in my flaws and with my difficulties but it is not easy, its never easy to confront the worst of yourself – especially when you have no excuses or reasons for a lot of your behaviour. I know this is right though – this is worth the work and effort; I will overcome my downfalls.
Sometimes I wish I was not such a deep thinker – I wonder what the world and its many experiences would look like to me if I could take everything at face value and never concern myself with more than what was glaringly apparent. But if I were not such a pensive person I would not be me… if I did not overthink and brood I would not have developed into the person that I am; I likely would not be learning how to cope and manage my illness – I love to think, I love to analyse and though it sometimes creates trouble where there is none, I believe it makes me more compassionate, caring and that I see more of the world; as if my eyes open wider the more I open my mind… I embrace things that I perhaps would not even notice were I not so prone to thinking. Would I notice the smell of the air at night or the way my heart swells when standing within a powerful breeze, would I realise the pleasure that writing brings me? Would I know the joy of standing in the rain?
What use is it to wish for what will never be… let’s love who we are and be beautiful and free.