If I loved me…

I’m not doing too well and yet nothing really has changed. Everything I have built, management techniques, ambitions, my motivation, it all feels like its crumbling around me and I am powerless to stop it… everyone seems quick to blame themselves; did they not do or give enough? perhaps too much? just the wrong thing?… but I know it isn’t them, they give what they can afford to give and it was enough before – I know that this is because of me, I have let go of something; I just can’t figure out what it is or how to fix it and so I am staring at the deepening swell of the dark ocean that is oblivion in the very moment before it swallows me whole.

My emotions are heightened to the point of ridiculousness, paranoia is in overdrive and all of the elements I had in place to protect myself from just such a downfall, are nowhere to be found – creating distance between them and insanity. There are so many opinions being flung in my direction that I cease to decide things for myself and I find that when I wake; I am somewhere I never would have taken myself…

For the first time in quite a while I wonder if I’m good enough, I feel as though I don’t deserve the positives and I know that it is my depression talking but it does nothing to take the edge off of this worthless feeling. Will it always be like this? That no matter which path I choose I will be losing someone? Letting someone down? I feel the disappointment and judgement that is weighing in my direction and I am uncertain whether is comes from them, or me…

Is this more self destruction?

Why won’t I let myself be happy? Why must there be issues with every facet of my future? Must I lay stagnant to simply stay healthy or will I also deteriorate there, given the time?

I cannot do this. I can’t be a functioning singular entity. What happens when you’re all gone, as you are now – even temporarily? I am nothing, I am sleep and tears, the dark road to nowhere… I am apathy, I am negativity.

I cannot begin to explain the fear that I feel in knowing that although I have worked at becoming healthy and functioning to the best of my abilities and had truly started to believe that I could prosper at being a human being – it all falls away when the people aren’t around; I haven’t actually fixed anything, nothing is better… I still can’t do this; all I found were people to prop me up and pick up the slack – I am still incapable, still a towering inferno of pain and bitter emotion underneath the façade of health.

What a negative post.

What must I do to fix this? Another battle? Another war? I’m not sure how much fight is left in me – I am so young but that only serves to frighten me more because there are so many years of this ahead of me and already I am worn, I am tired…

I won’t give up the fight, I have my beautiful children whom I keep at the forefront of my mind in times like these – I won’t give up for as long as they need me.

 

 

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The crossroads

I have come to many a crossroads within my life; I believe that we all do – some we notice and others we don’t but a choice is inevitably made nonetheless.

Here I stand at another crossroad; blurred vision and confusion marring my ability to make informed choices and all the while wishing someone would take it out of my hands – release me of this burden of free will. Oppress me so that I no longer have to make choices that hurt no matter which way I turn.

I am tired of watching the happiness seep out of my life whilst I contemplate what I ‘should’ be doing or thinking or feeling… When did I become so afraid of doing what I want and like to do? When did I equate my personal choices as those that bring me to the feet of mental illness? I have come to realise that even after all the progress I have made, all the soul searching and self improvement – I don’t trust myself. I view my choices through the lense of my past mistakes; I judge myself and I deem myself unworthy.

I spout affirmations ‘I am not Bipolar’ ‘I am a warrior’ … but what does it mean if I never make my own choices? If I always second guess my instinct and go with what I believe others will say or think, then who am I? Do I exist at all?

The ‘what if’s’ are eating me alive… they whisper doubt and suspicion and it is my great downfall to listen to their blackened words… What if I am wrong? What if I end up alone? What if I can’t cope? What if…

Is it sensible to look at a story from every angle? Does it just make sense to see the potential in every situation? Or do I doom myself to misery and torment in essentially, mentally at least, ending the good before it has even begun…

I feel isolated. Isolation breeds desolation.

How disappointing to be feeling this way when so many things are happening right now that make me feel blissfully happy. I feel almost as though I am doing something wrong in pursuing this facet of my life; I feel as though I am making mistakes at every turn and yet I have no way in which I can correct it… I want it all and that doesn’t seem to be within my grasp.

Routine has fallen by the wayside. A new relationship is posing a lot of new challenges and obstacles in the management of my mental health; and yet the new focus and emotional support makes it all seem easier to navigate and I am certain that, given time, I will reach a state of mental stability once again.

I think I know the meaning of life… finding glimpses of joy and bliss within the earth shattering pain and anguish or mutinous monotony that plagues us all.