I have come to many a crossroads within my life; I believe that we all do – some we notice and others we don’t but a choice is inevitably made nonetheless.
Here I stand at another crossroad; blurred vision and confusion marring my ability to make informed choices and all the while wishing someone would take it out of my hands – release me of this burden of free will. Oppress me so that I no longer have to make choices that hurt no matter which way I turn.
I am tired of watching the happiness seep out of my life whilst I contemplate what I ‘should’ be doing or thinking or feeling… When did I become so afraid of doing what I want and like to do? When did I equate my personal choices as those that bring me to the feet of mental illness? I have come to realise that even after all the progress I have made, all the soul searching and self improvement – I don’t trust myself. I view my choices through the lense of my past mistakes; I judge myself and I deem myself unworthy.
I spout affirmations ‘I am not Bipolar’ ‘I am a warrior’ … but what does it mean if I never make my own choices? If I always second guess my instinct and go with what I believe others will say or think, then who am I? Do I exist at all?
The ‘what if’s’ are eating me alive… they whisper doubt and suspicion and it is my great downfall to listen to their blackened words… What if I am wrong? What if I end up alone? What if I can’t cope? What if…
Is it sensible to look at a story from every angle? Does it just make sense to see the potential in every situation? Or do I doom myself to misery and torment in essentially, mentally at least, ending the good before it has even begun…
I feel isolated. Isolation breeds desolation.
How disappointing to be feeling this way when so many things are happening right now that make me feel blissfully happy. I feel almost as though I am doing something wrong in pursuing this facet of my life; I feel as though I am making mistakes at every turn and yet I have no way in which I can correct it… I want it all and that doesn’t seem to be within my grasp.
Routine has fallen by the wayside. A new relationship is posing a lot of new challenges and obstacles in the management of my mental health; and yet the new focus and emotional support makes it all seem easier to navigate and I am certain that, given time, I will reach a state of mental stability once again.
I think I know the meaning of life… finding glimpses of joy and bliss within the earth shattering pain and anguish or mutinous monotony that plagues us all.