If I loved me…

I’m not doing too well and yet nothing really has changed. Everything I have built, management techniques, ambitions, my motivation, it all feels like its crumbling around me and I am powerless to stop it… everyone seems quick to blame themselves; did they not do or give enough? perhaps too much? just the wrong thing?… but I know it isn’t them, they give what they can afford to give and it was enough before – I know that this is because of me, I have let go of something; I just can’t figure out what it is or how to fix it and so I am staring at the deepening swell of the dark ocean that is oblivion in the very moment before it swallows me whole.

My emotions are heightened to the point of ridiculousness, paranoia is in overdrive and all of the elements I had in place to protect myself from just such a downfall, are nowhere to be found – creating distance between them and insanity. There are so many opinions being flung in my direction that I cease to decide things for myself and I find that when I wake; I am somewhere I never would have taken myself…

For the first time in quite a while I wonder if I’m good enough, I feel as though I don’t deserve the positives and I know that it is my depression talking but it does nothing to take the edge off of this worthless feeling. Will it always be like this? That no matter which path I choose I will be losing someone? Letting someone down? I feel the disappointment and judgement that is weighing in my direction and I am uncertain whether is comes from them, or me…

Is this more self destruction?

Why won’t I let myself be happy? Why must there be issues with every facet of my future? Must I lay stagnant to simply stay healthy or will I also deteriorate there, given the time?

I cannot do this. I can’t be a functioning singular entity. What happens when you’re all gone, as you are now – even temporarily? I am nothing, I am sleep and tears, the dark road to nowhere… I am apathy, I am negativity.

I cannot begin to explain the fear that I feel in knowing that although I have worked at becoming healthy and functioning to the best of my abilities and had truly started to believe that I could prosper at being a human being – it all falls away when the people aren’t around; I haven’t actually fixed anything, nothing is better… I still can’t do this; all I found were people to prop me up and pick up the slack – I am still incapable, still a towering inferno of pain and bitter emotion underneath the façade of health.

What a negative post.

What must I do to fix this? Another battle? Another war? I’m not sure how much fight is left in me – I am so young but that only serves to frighten me more because there are so many years of this ahead of me and already I am worn, I am tired…

I won’t give up the fight, I have my beautiful children whom I keep at the forefront of my mind in times like these – I won’t give up for as long as they need me.




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