The chaos bubble *trigger warning*

I’m on my third day at work and it’s all going pretty well I would say; the work is simple – the people are friendly and my family has rallied around me to help with the kids. I’m being congratulated and told that people are proud of me and on the surface its making me feel pretty good.

If I think any deeper, scratch the surface of the chaos inside, stop and wonder at what I’m doing, then the screaming woman bursts from her chaos bubble of fear, terror and dread spreading negativity like the plague. It happened to me this morning… I was walking along the street to get a cup of tea before work and must have awakened the beast inside me because all of a sudden it seemed a wonderful thing that I might get hit by a car; a fleeting thought – easily shrugged off, but scary nonetheless! The screaming woman’s rationale was that we wouldn’t have to cope with all this if we were dead. You can’t fail her logic but why, when everything has been going so well, am I thinking things like this?!
It’s the pressure. The responsibility and change.

Hopefully time is the cure. When that which was change becomes the norm, is it still frightening?

The land of the living

Tomorrow I enter the land of the living. Yes people, I have actually managed to get myself a nice little job that works out nicely for family life. There is a lot to organise in this situation and I am sort of fumbling my way through it… How will the kids cope? How will I cope? What if something goes wrong? What do I do with the kids during their school holidays? What if, what if what if…?

I have to keep within my anxious mind that this is a massive step into positivity for me and that even just a year ago this would very much have been beyond my ability. I have to keep praising myself for those little inconsequential things that are so huge for me – making it through an interview, attending my first day, asking for help, accepting help…

I also need to keep within my mind that I am incredibly lucky! I have a vast amount of people around me; helping me to cope – helping with the kids and helping me prepare myself for what will be such a great leap in my progression into the real, functioning adult world.

I have done so much to be proud of lately; I attended many job interviews but none more scary or intimidating than the group interview of last week – We had to do a few role-play games including creating our own song and singing it in front of around 50 other hopefuls and our would-be employers!!! Scary stuff! But I did it and I obviously did it well because I managed to get a call back for a second interview with them!

My medication is also being slowly reduced. I don’t really know how to feel about this. I think it could be a great thing; I’d love to be medication free and for my physical health I’m sure it’ll be a good thing. I am also cautious about it; because I’ve come so far and I’m so stable right now that I’d hate to set myself back… I’m also having a few unpleasant withdrawal symptoms (to be expected since my doctor reduced my medication by a whopping 75mg!!!!) I’m clenching my jaw again which is making my jaw ache and giving me a lot of headaches, I have muscle pain – which I had when going on this medication… Things are settling down though which is a good sign that it may well all be okay.

So often in the world of Bipolar disorder and really I suppose in the world of anyone; we forget to discuss the good that is happening in our lives and when we talk to others, or write or even spend thoughtful moments alone – we circle around only the bad, the dank and depressing, the gloomy and unpleasant… Take a moment each day to be mindful. Find one positive and cling to it… it will grow, bloom and blossom until it fills your entire heart, your being and soul with that pleasure and joy. It could be something as simple as an unexpected kiss from your child or as mundane as the bus turning up on time… but don’t neglect it, let it grow.

And so that is why I have written today, because though there is much to fear and fret about – this is also a huge positive for me; life is moving into a new chapter and I intend to let it grow.