I often wonder if its worth it; the eccentricities of everyday. Was life not simpler when all I did was sleep? Why worry my life away in a wakeful torture when my dreams await to soothe my aches and pain…
Now there are fights and battles galore. There are tears and feelings, cuddles and kisses and pain and emotion… There are others to consider when you’re awake to the world and their strategies at coping with the everyday are often different and foreign… It is rather ironic and very like me that I would not give myself long within a world of balance and peace before throwing in a load of noise and disruption to ripple the tides once more.
Is change a good thing? Or should we forever stick to the comfort of the status quo… Does change not enrich our lives and the people we become? Every battle I have fought, every torture that I have overcome has simply draped another layer over the person I am today, given my character another facet, enriched the mind I share here and with every experience, whether turbulent, pleasant, emotional, painful or otherwise; I become a richer version of me.
So again, I ask myself the point of all this… life, living and putting myself through so much change and upheaval… and I suppose the answer is a simple one. It is that there is no living at all in remaining stagnant, standing still… yes it is safe, yes it is comfortable but nothing will ever become anything more than it always was and for me, that will never be enough. There is power in standing alone and independent, strength in finding yourself and learning that you have worth all on your own… These past six years alone have taught me that. But I suppose there is also a great strength in learning to stand beside someone else. Finding that the world will not end should you let go of the reigns for a moment, letting another share in the person that you are to a depth that no other would dare to tread.
Its not all pain and torture in this new world of mine but it will take time to adjust to all that comes with sharing the complicated woman that I am… and then; regardless of the outcome of this new venture, I shall become a better version of me.
I’m doing well. I have to keep reminding myself of that because when things are hard (as life so often is) and when stress, anxiety or paranoia rears its ugly head; it is difficult to remember that this is not the worst my life has been and these are healthy and ‘normal’ life events. My job is going well, the monotony and routine of it all is healthy for me and I like the people I work with. I thrive most when I am face to face with customers, I love the feeling I get when I can complete a task well and send someone on their way feeling satisfied and content. I have noticed an increase in my paranoia but I’m coping with it fairly well and I’ve put it down mostly to being around so many new people and dealing with so much change within my life. Juggling all of the facets of my life is a little more difficult and often I feel as though I am failing miserably at it. If only I could split myself into a million pieces and experience all that I feel I am missing out on and be there for all of the people I feel I should be. My medication has radically reduced and so far it does not seem to have affected my mood in a long term way; though it does make my moods wobble a little for a while after a change. I am pleased that it is reducing; I didn’t have a diagnosis or the skills that I have learnt within these past couple of years when I was first put on it and so I would like to see how well I manage without it and if it is possible to control my illness without medical intervention. Though I do worry about becoming complacent and letting the management skills I have learnt slip… it would be so easy and almost peaceful to slip into oblivion sometimes. I am proud of all I’ve done for Christmas this year. I have worked hard to get the kids most of what they’ve asked for and so I’m excited to see their reactions when they open everything. It’s certainly a difficult time of year; money is the root of all evil!! but it’ll be worth it to see my babies smile. Am I losing this battle and just don’t know it yet? No matter how well I feel this is the question that constantly hangs over my head; because when illness hits it will not give me a warning and if I fall this time, will I get back up? Will I even want to?