Remember, remember

I’m doing well. I have to keep reminding myself of that because when things are hard (as life so often is) and when stress, anxiety or paranoia rears its ugly head; it is difficult to remember that this is not the worst my life has been and these are healthy and ‘normal’ life events. My job is going well, the monotony and routine of it all is healthy for me and I like the people I work with. I thrive most when I am face to face with customers, I love the feeling I get when I can complete a task well and send someone on their way feeling satisfied and content. I have noticed an increase in my paranoia but I’m coping with it fairly well and I’ve put it down mostly to being around so many new people and dealing with so much change within my life. Juggling all of the facets of my life is a little more difficult and often I feel as though I am failing miserably at it. If only I could split myself into a million pieces and experience all that I feel I am missing out on and be there for all of the people I feel I should be. My medication has radically reduced and so far it does not seem to have affected my mood in a long term way; though it does make my moods wobble a little for a while after a change. I am pleased that it is reducing; I didn’t have a diagnosis or the skills that I have learnt within these past couple of years when I was first put on it and so I would like to see how well I manage without it and if it is possible to control my illness without medical intervention. Though I do worry about becoming complacent and letting the management skills I have learnt slip… it would be so easy and almost peaceful to slip into oblivion sometimes. I am proud of all I’ve done for Christmas this year. I have worked hard to get the kids most of what they’ve asked for and so I’m excited to see their reactions when they open everything. It’s certainly a difficult time of year; money is the root of all evil!! but it’ll be worth it to see my babies smile. Am I losing this battle and just don’t know it yet? No matter how well I feel this is the question that constantly hangs over my head; because when illness hits it will not give me a warning and if I fall this time, will I get back up? Will I even want to?

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3 thoughts on “Remember, remember

  1. fishrobber69 says:

    glad you feel good … if I may ask, are you reducing your meds with your doctor’s blessing, or on your own? I was messing around with dosages, and I decided to stop after a couple nasty mood swings.

    • lttf says:

      I am reducing my meds with my doctors blessing but ultimately it was my decision and I have been very clear about the amount of time I need after each reduction to balance my moods once again.
      I would not recommend changing doses or stopping meds without a doctors help as you run the risk of inducing a psychotic episode. Do not follow blindly what the doctors say but be painfully honest about what you need and insist they help you to get it.

  2. Lisa says:

    I love the honesty here. You are a very brave person.

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