She is not her, she is not me…

I haven’t written in a while and when I have written it wasn’t me, not really. I have been avoiding writing because if I write then I must accept and really process that reality and if I accept it, then it is done and there is no power that can undo it – but it is time to face the writing. It is time to be me once again.

I think I got smug in my health, I got too comfortable with being well and I suppose, in all honesty – and with hindsight, that it was a false kind of wellness in the end because no matter how hard I might strive I can’t be the ‘normal’ that people want, that I wanted… The universe serves to remind us of reality and so it has for me once again for my feet are firmly planted on earth once again. When did I forget all that I have learnt? When did I decide it was time to drop all of the management that saved me?

My relationship of a year and half has ended. I don’t want to air my dirty laundry here – this blog has never been for that – and so I won’t share the details. I will say though that he is not a bad person and nor am I and that I have faith that he will turn his life around and become the magnificent man I know he can be. I’ll tell you that I love him very much but that love simply wasn’t enough right now and so the painful decision was made to end things and move forward. I have been trying to remind myself that relationships end for people every day this pain is not some private one created solely for me and that my hurt is not so much to bear, that this is life, this is reality and its never what any of us wants but it happens… where is the line between genuine ‘normal’ pain of the loss of something and the melodrama and extreme of Bipolar disorder? Emotions are so hard to fathom…

I always strive to take lessons from everything that life throws my way – I feel that I have become a bigger and better person for all of the things I have been through and that if you choose to see life in that way and to avoid bitterness and hate then you can truly find a happiness that others miss… but I must confess that I am finding it difficult to find my lesson from all of this self-inflicted mess and I have been wracking my brains looking for it. Though, writing always makes things seem a little clearer and I think I see now that this was my warning to slow down, that I had fallen into my frequent trap of looking for perfection; striving for that family unit that I seem to think is ‘normal’… this experience has taught me that the family life, traditions and everyday fun that me and the kids have is pretty near perfect in itself and that its going to take something pretty special to blend into that. It has shown me that what is really important is us three and feeling happy, comforted and cared for. It has shown me that I have created a pretty awesome family environment for my children already – they feel secure in my love and really that is all I have ever wanted…

So I’m hurting again and I feel as though I have messed up. I have hurt and let down some people that are very close to me and I will bear the consequences of that. I have shaken the already shaky financial foundation from under my feet and I will also deal with the ramifications of that particular bout of stupidity… I have neglected my health, I have neglected my very self… She is not her, she is not me… But no dwelling and no wallowing in the misery of what I have done and what I have not – no more punishing myself for not fulfilling some destiny that I have decided is imperative to my being.

No more. The lesson I take from this and will plaster all over my stubborn brain and broken heart is that I AM ENOUGH. I am enough, I am enough, I am enough…

This time will pass and I will work hard to find my level ground, I will rebuild what I have broken and she will be me once again.

I’m not OK, but I will be.

Advertisements