These few months have been a trying few. I admit freely that I hold responsibility, at least in part, for just how difficult it has all been and I hold on to the knowledge that the end of chapters seldom fly by without issue.
I like to pull the positive from every situation; even those most dire and depressing and so in this dreary time I have found a plethora of things to be grateful about and to celebrate!
My health is not as unsteady as I would have believed. I have been completely without medication (at the advice of my doctors) for around six or seven months now and while it was certainly not an easy transition it has shown me that with the right self-management I can cope with a lot and feel emotion without allowing it to cripple me. That is not to say that I would be adverse to taking medication again one day should I need it; I am not so delusional as to think that I will absolutely, without doubt, maintain this relative stability and I truly believe that medication played a heavy part in keeping me alive. There is far too much rumor and stigma associated with anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and other such drugs and this is mostly due to the fact that everyone is different and it can take a long time to figure out the right drug or combination of drugs for you. Many of the drugs I was given have left me feeling zombiefied and unable to function but with good doctor and patient communication it is possible to make them work for you and though I’m sure not all doctors are as co-operative as mine have been, I have not yet met a doctor that wishes to purposefully impair your ability to function or think for yourself.
Something I also found difficult in regard to medication was realising that the thoughts and ideas that disappeared when I was medicated were in fact a symptom of hypo-mania and not my creative self beating her wings. Find yourself, learn what is healthy for you and acceptance will follow.
And despite being un-medicated I am not on my knees after recent events. I am hurt and upset and all of those normal things of course but I am functioning and I am coping. This is absolutely incredible and so much more than I could have ever expected of myself!
I am incredibly thankful for my resilient, loving, compassionate and incredible children. They are my every reason for living and in every dark corner and deeply depressing situation all it takes is one thought of them and my vigor to fight is renewed. I feel blessed to have them and very proud to have had a hand in the people they are becoming.
I am thankful for friendships that last through the toughest times. My recent actions might dictate that I don’t deserve such loyalty but it is a testament to the people around me that they are still here and they never give up on me even when I was not the best version of myself. When you live in a positive way and maintain a good attitude, practice patience and embrace love you absolutely do get it back tenfold. Yes, that sounds like a particularly cheesy greetings card but it is so also so very true. I feel as though the world saved up all of its wonderfulness and is doling it out to me as and when I really need it and it is a great feeling to have people to catch you when the world crumbles at your feet – even if they saw it coming three million miles before you did.
My family, but in particular my long-suffering mother, who has grown, alongside myself, into the acceptance of my illness and the nuances of the management of it. She is my rock and when I stumble, she is always there. As I’ve gained more independence and confidence she has adapted along with me and her support always reflects just what I need. She also happens to be a wonderful person, full of love and acceptance – in whatever way you might need it. She brings the fun that I so often forget to indulge in and the comfort that no other can offer quite like her.
My brother is also a great source of strength and drive for me – his own journey is not mine to tell but it inspires me greatly and has shed enlightenment on many a grey area of my life. He is supportive and frustratingly, he is often right! I value and treasure his friendship immensely.
I have also managed to maintain a job (and be pretty awesome at it) for an entire year. It is exactly a year today that I started work and I am so proud of myself. It has not been all plain sailing – there have been times that I wanted to give in and that I felt it was all too much for me but it has developed into something that has boosted my self-esteem and makes me feel worthwhile in a way that I haven’t in such a long time; if ever. It is an incredible achievement for me.
I am healthy, I am beautiful, I am good, I am honest.
So what is the point of this gush of a post? Simply to dwell upon the amazing facets of my life. Yes, this is a hard time but if I continue to focus upon that I will drag myself down into a pit that I have visited before and quite frankly is not somewhere I want to return. I don’t hate anyone or anything. I don’t hold grudges and I refuse to be bitter about my own failings and the failings of others. We are all human, some things work and some things don’t. We all err and we all fall but I will see the good and I will move forward in positivity.