Live

Once there was a child

She sat upon a cloud

And pondered life’s rich questions

And sometimes asked aloud

Why must they cry, why must they weep

Why do the demons come as they sleep?

She asked it of the thunderstorm

Who growled his deep reply

That joy will shortly follow the darkness of the sky
As she watched she grew perplexed

For she did not understand

They found another to share their lives

And held tightly to their hand

From her perch upon the cloud

She deigned to ask again

Why do they choose to love just one, what makes this love I see. This girl is plain and ordinary. How is this love to be?

She asked it of the rainbow

Who wove magic in the sky

Love is born within the soul

Not for the eyes of you and I
High on her cloud the child remained

There for all her days

Upon the questions of our lives

She dwelt ’til she was pained

If only I could talk a while

And help her understand

What little hope there was for her

If she never touched the land

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Expiration

What a travesty it would have been

If wishes had been granted

If you’d listened to my aching pleas

Before they were recanted

 

What torment to ponder

The times that I would miss

The smiles

The tears

The laughter

That moment when we’ll kiss

 

Perhaps I’ll wish again one day

I hope that when I do

I’ll turn to you and realise

I can take a different view

 

A walk to the unknown

I want to go walking

Through verdant fields of green

Across the sweetest meadow

Aside the rolling stream

Basking in the sunshine

Dancing in the rain

Smiling at the butterflies

Whose ideas were the same

 

Nothing really matters

As I wander here with you

Not stormy clouds and rainbows

Nor stunning skies of blue

 

Say you’ll walk beside me

and never let me go

Stumble through the flora

To a place we do not know

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reclaiming my soul

You should know that I’m a dreamer; I am whimsical and ever so slightly odd. I am woefully socially inept but I try hard to get involved anyway. I am passionate and probably a little too rash. I long ago banished bitterness, hate and negativity from my life and from my soul and I do not invite it near me anymore. I practice painful honesty because secrets kept do more damage than the momentary discomfort of truth.  I care very little for material possessions which is lucky because I’m abysmal with money. I love my children more than anything they are the reason I am alive and I have worked hard to be more deserving of their unconditional love for me. I don’t like confrontation and will always strive to treat people with kindness. I am a thinker, an aspiring poet and an avid reader. I’m a hopeless romantic but sometimes I struggle with emotional intimacy. I am flawed. I am me. 

I have not always been this person. In fact I feel as though I have lived a great number of lives, each equipped with their own persona, in my relatively short time on this earth.

Somewhere, in the mess of lives that I have lived, I forgot who I really was. Or perhaps I didn’t ever really exist. I have sculpted this person from all the experiences of my past selves, I have moulded the mistakes into lessons and fashioned lessons into blessings. I have not created a perfect person – I have become a real one.

Living with the weight of mental illness is not easy but I have learnt that though some things are always going to be out with my control, I cannot use this affliction as an excuse. It does not justify bad behaviour or selfishness and it does not give me reason not to try. These are beliefs easier said than put into practice but I have made it my mission to push through the instinct to fester, to recline and revel in the misery that is mental illness. It is, after all, far easier to allow yourself to remain stagnant than to fight against the swelling, impossible tides of despair and hopelessness.

I didn’t realise when beginning this quest for balance and wellbeing that instead of pretending to be someone that I’m not once again, instead of another front or carefully constructed mask – I would actually uncover the person I was always meant to be. It lends a certain vulnerability to be you in every way and that is what I both love and despise about it but despite my reservations and discomfort I will endeavour to never be any less than me again.

I have worked hard to reclaim my soul, to live for the first time, to breathe. It is liberating to finally meet the me I should always have been.