Can I be both better and worse in the same moment…? Or is that yet another facet of illness in itself? I feel pretty great; most of the time. But there have been some reckless actions and some out of character moves that I am trying not to wonder too much about and also short pockets of desolate misery, is it better that they are short episodes or worse because they are frequent?
I’ve learnt recently, perhaps belatedly, that many of the feelings and actions that I have considered illness are not necessarily exclusive to me… That some of the things about myself, my actions, my feelings that I fret most vehemently about are in fact things that the majority of adults go through; the only difference is that they take it as another part of life and move through it, either with difficulty or fairly easily, I do not. I dwell, I dissect, I analyse and conclude before I move forward… in fact, even after moving forward I tend to eventually move back at some point and do it all over again.
I’ve made a silent deal with myself in the past few weeks. I am tired of negativity clouding my every day and so I have been looking for fun in every day; I have been putting myself forward for things that scare me and barrelling through them anyway; I haven’t faced every element of the things that frighten me but I am working up to facing as much as possible and I am coming at life with a new perspective. I even caught myself enjoying an evening alone; never did I think to see the day where I am not mooning over my single state or craving some sort of positive re-enforcement from someone else… truthfully, now, I’m not sure where a perspective partner would fit into my life, nor the role they would take – and though that should, or previously, would scare me; I find it rather exciting now because whatever does come along eventually will be vastly different to anything that has gone before… and that is undoubtedly a good thing!
Life was definitely moving faster a few months ago, things have been left to slip but they’re working back up again. I can’t find any concern for the pace of things at the moment; the same pressures that were there before are still there now but they don’t seem to have the same effect on me as they might have before… everything feels more relaxed.
So even though I’m really not sure if this new-found positivity is real or a moment of illness and reckless abandonment of reality; I’m going to enjoy every second of it. I’m going to continue dancing and singing at every moment, I’m not going to stop myself from voicing that opinion or teasing that person… because whatever this is, it feels so good. Liberating. Long overdue. Desperately needed…