Misery without reason

Its been a while.

Perhaps the frequency of my writing and my mental health are directly linked.

I’m in the midst of the worst episode of depression and anxiety that I’ve had in a while; I’ve been trying to keep pushing through but its been difficult – I think it probably feels worse than it is because for the longest time ever in my adult life I have been luxuriating in a relatively stable mental state.

I got used to not having to deal with these crippling anxieties, the paranoia, the sleepless nights, the churning brain, the relentless misery, the illogical and debilitating emotions.

Perhaps that complacency is the issue.

To start with as I climbed my way out of the abyss, the bleak, dank darkness that is mental illness I was so careful to practice good management of my mental health – I gathered endless tools and strategies to cope with each situation and became a master of who I am and how I feel. I paid close attention to any slight wobble in the stability of my mind and made sure to correct it before it got out of hand – but perhaps the longer I have remained stable and as I have grown in confidence, moved forward in my career, relationships and developed a new sense of self – I have loosened the reigns on the fundamentals of me and how to cope with this hellish affliction that will never go away; forgotten the basic management techniques that keep me stable. I have neglected and ignored all that I have learnt. Perhaps it was inevitable that a crash was on its way.

It is frightening and frustrating to be fighting my way out of a hole again after all the work to do it so many times before – will there never be a time that I can forget that I’m not quite the same as everyone else?

Today at work a call went out to say that someone had been hit by a bus… they believe he was trying to commit suicide. I’ve been there – that mindset and absolute desperation was mine once which makes it all the more difficult to listen to what other people think of that person and what they’ve done.

That could have been me – I hope I never have to feel that way again…

This setback is all the more frustrating given that for the first time my life doesn’t feel like an utter disaster, I am good at my job, my kids are happy and healthy, I am in a healthy relationship, my family is well… for so many years circumstance has been as much an issue as health – its so much easier to find reason in pain if you are surrounded by it.

I’ll carry on fighting, because I must, because I need to, want to – because I’m needed, wanted…

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Cry

I have learnt that sometimes there is nothing else to do but cry.

I am so well, my new job (3 months in!) is going brilliantly – it felt like it came with a lot of pressure in the beginning but now that I feel as though I know what I’m doing there is really no stress involved; it does come with a lot of new responsibilities but I am taking each day at a time and coping better than I would have ever imagined possible.

I’m also working with mostly men – this would have been impossible for me a few years ago. I have had such issues around men and so I was often reduced to a simpering idiot when put in any situation with them. Yet, here I am thriving – I am proud of the confident and professional woman I have fought to become.

I also feel more accomplished as a parent. I certainly don’t get everything right but I don’t feel as though I am doing too bad a job – and at almost 14 and 11 I can see the wonderful people my children are blossoming into.

Mundane tasks are no longer mountains that I have to climb. I manage my self and my home with ease…

My mental health is very stable. My moods still swing but I have a very tight hold on them; I have learned so many management techniques that help me to cope when the big stuff inevitably happens… I still work hard every day to maintain my mental health – it will never be a natural thing, but it is less of a chore now. I am so incredibly proud of how far I’ve come.

I suppose there will never be any management techniques to stop me from feeling when the big and truly disastrous things happen. Maybe those raw, painful emotions are what make us human and sometimes you just have to cry until you can’t cry anymore.

There are such a lot of things not quite right with my world. Many things to think through and so many recent tragedies dropping at my feet. So I will let the tears fall for they water the flowers of tomorrow, but I’ll hold my head up high and keep searching for the sun…