Live

Once there was a child

She sat upon a cloud

And pondered life’s rich questions

And sometimes asked aloud

Why must they cry, why must they weep

Why do the demons come as they sleep?

She asked it of the thunderstorm

Who growled his deep reply

That joy will shortly follow the darkness of the sky
As she watched she grew perplexed

For she did not understand

They found another to share their lives

And held tightly to their hand

From her perch upon the cloud

She deigned to ask again

Why do they choose to love just one, what makes this love I see. This girl is plain and ordinary. How is this love to be?

She asked it of the rainbow

Who wove magic in the sky

Love is born within the soul

Not for the eyes of you and I
High on her cloud the child remained

There for all her days

Upon the questions of our lives

She dwelt ’til she was pained

If only I could talk a while

And help her understand

What little hope there was for her

If she never touched the land

Expiration

What a travesty it would have been

If wishes had been granted

If you’d listened to my aching pleas

Before they were recanted

 

What torment to ponder

The times that I would miss

The smiles

The tears

The laughter

That moment when we’ll kiss

 

Perhaps I’ll wish again one day

I hope that when I do

I’ll turn to you and realise

I can take a different view

 

A walk to the unknown

I want to go walking

Through verdant fields of green

Across the sweetest meadow

Aside the rolling stream

Basking in the sunshine

Dancing in the rain

Smiling at the butterflies

Whose ideas were the same

 

Nothing really matters

As I wander here with you

Not stormy clouds and rainbows

Nor stunning skies of blue

 

Say you’ll walk beside me

and never let me go

Stumble through the flora

To a place we do not know

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If

If now is not the time

If your heart is not yet mine

If you need to take things slow

If I let you run the show

I’ll dream a dream of you

and dream again tomorrow

Hopefully the truth will be quick to follow

 

If it was never real

and all we are was lies

If I imagined what I feel

If the budding bloom soon dies

I’ll dream a dream of you

and hold it in my heart

and tomorrow perhaps

True love will start

Realism

I built you up inside my head

I lived our lives alone

I tied my heart to yours,  I thought

But lo, I was alone
Then we met

And you were not

The man inside my head

And yet I fail to regret

The life we never led
I’d like to get to know you

And live a life that’s real

But it’s all been such a fallacy

I’ve forgotten how to feel

I want

I want to weep upon the ground

and scream as though there is no sound

I want to remove my aching heart

And look upon it until it does start

I want some warmth within my skin

I want the touch of familiar kin

 

I need the feel of a thousand knives

I sense the touch of a thousand lies

Your arrows hit with more precision

Than your love within this prison

 

Drag me down and leave me there

I’ll say no more, I do not care

I want to sing, I want to dance

I want to fly, I want the chance

 

Freedom comes and so does sorrow

I want to wake to endless tomorrow

So when, at last, my soul is open

Let us hope it is not broken

 

 

 

You

I have been on many a walk

Through seasons great and small

I have seen the roses bloom

and watched as rich leaves fall

I’ve skated with a crocodile

and danced under a waning moon

I’ve such a lot of tales to tell

I hope you’ll listen soon

 

There have been adventures

Too many and too few

I have done a many things

But I have not met you

 

I have seen the moon from mars

Painted stars in the sky

I’ve held the hands of giants

Whilst they sung a lullaby

I have dreamt in technicolour

and laughed until I ache

I’ve hugged a stranger

and kissed a lethal snake

 

But I’ve never seen your face

Nor held you in my heart

I’ve never held you close

We’ve always been apart

 

On the next adventure

As I journey far and wide

I hope I get to know you

and you’ll travel by my side

Drawing smiles on all the faces

of everyone we meet

As all the while, our hearts, sing a happy beat

Finding comfort in the beauty

Of a darkened midnight sky

Fighting dragons, chasing fairies

and all those wondrous things

We will be so happy

We’ll find our souls have wings 

 

And in the end

As we reach our final goal

You’ll turn to me and declare

That love does conquer all.

 

 

 

 

Cacophony of life

My heart was made for many a thing

It beats a steady tune

I cannot live without it

and without me, it would face its doom

We form an unlikely union, my aching heart and I

For one knows all the secrets and the other, only lies

How magical the dreams within my barren chest

Of serenity and peacefulness, a state of waking rest

A fellow soul to guide you as your story does unfold

A connection that goes deeper than another hand to hold

 

Oh this cacophony of life

It brings me to my knees

But my heart sees the horizon

It can see between the trees

Onward to morning, to fight another day

My heart may be bleeding but I’ll not pull it from the fray

Love of love is breathing for this weary heart of mine

and breathe it shall

all in good time.

 

Fear to spite its owner

This time last year I was set on a crusade to enrich my life. I was tired of waiting for the future to find me and had decided to reach out and grasp at the potential happiness I felt I could see. Of course, what you think you want isn’t always what is best for us, I put myself out there and I failed; but I also gained so very much. I gained patience, self esteem, a better understanding of what it means to be loved, a closer relationship with my loved ones and a higher standard for who I allow to entwine themselves so deeply into my life and the lives of my children.

I am in a pensive and emotional sort of mood, one that analyses every facet of life, inspects every feeling and prods at my precarious hold to positivity and stability. I am a little cowed by recent events, new experiences and challenges bring panic in the realisation that as my life grows, so diminishes my control on the situations I am faced with and the judgement I must deal with.

When I was just beginning to take control of my mental health I removed all negative influences in my life and kept only a very few people around me, these people I trusted with everything I was – both good and bad. I let nobody else in and though it wasn’t really a fully conscious decision it is obviously one that was pivotal to my debatable success in learning to manage my health. Now; my life is moving forward in great strides and getting a little harder to juggle. With but one or two people of trust there are no secrets, no intrigue, no gossip or foot-in-mouth moments. With few people there’s no awkward clashing of events or excuses and explanations needed. The people I held around me were so trusted that I could tell them anything and receive no judgement but now I must mind my words, I must remember the lessons in social interaction that I have rushed to learn over the past few years and I must listen to my instincts as to who to trust with my most inner-workings; sometimes those instincts will be wrong and my faith will be placed upon someone who will pass judgement and create situations that seem dire and again I am left in a position that is beyond my control and painful to traverse.

How much simpler life was when only my mind created havoc for my soul.

Of course there is some good in embracing new people and experiences and there have been comments from people I have known for some time about how much more sociable, open and easy-going I seem now.

One woman who I met only recently upon finding out (beyond my control) that I have Bipolar commented that she couldn’t believe I had a mental illness because I ‘seemed far too calm and positive for someone with Bipolar’ I wasn’t sure of how I felt about her comments, though written now they seem fairly tame… at the time I was both insulted and pleased, I suppose. Insulted because of the ignorant stigmatic view of Bipolar that she clearly holds… Her comments also made me feel very anxious, would she treat me differently now? Her only reference to Bipolar is a few episodes of Eastenders (which I haven’t seen) where a girl with apparent Bipolar is seen having a breakdown and while I have certainly lived through those devastating stages and may very well one day return to them, I doubt the drama of a soap opera compares to the reality… My fears however were unfounded as she hasn’t treated me any differently at all but I never needed to feel that kind of fear of judgement until I started living again. What risky business it is to be alive. I was also pleased by her comments because I am both of those things now. Calm and positive, but not without considerable effort and thought so if that is how people see me then all this work is not for nothing.

There have been epiphany’s aplenty in recent days and yet more grim acceptance of my flaws. Despite my negative experience in grabbing the bull by the horns and attempting to move life faster than it was willing to go – I am not adverse to moving forward and I refuse to shy away from new experiences, friendships and relationships for fear only spites the owner and I didn’t work this hard to live only to die in other ways.

I cannot control every situation for the rest of my life, I cannot control the actions of others, the judgement they pass or the poisoned words they might spread but I can control how I let those things affect me, how deeply I let them wound and so I am going to continue to be me; I am going to stop feeling the need to hide my more eccentric idiosyncrasies and I am going to move forward with my head held high knowing that those who love me do so unconditionally and that anyone who doesn’t is not worth but a thought let alone my fear.

 

 

Peace

At first, a flicker

a dying flame

what we could see, was all the same

and though we tried

we could not fathom

how hearts could beat

and love, in tandem

Slowly, slowly

grows the light

it shimmers there in sheer delight

‘Believe’ it cries

‘and I shall glow,

the brightest star you’ll ever know’

it is a choice we all must make

and all mankind is what’s at stake

do we fill our souls with hate and fear

or give love a chance to come ever near

I choose the light of this tiny flame

and so it grows

Peace is its name